i dislike when i make my job first;
it is that time of year though;
i need to make it first;
i dislike that i allow myself to revolve around my job.
i do love my students;
i do thrive in what i can give;
i am good at what i have to offer.
i just don't like that i allow itto determine such a degree of my well being.
i suppose it is the nature of survival.
focus, ryn, focus. do your job.
on a separate note to help me actually not focus but step in to a part of future dream casting, i start in a writing workshop tomorrow night. a part of me says stupid because it is a school night and i am not a night person; another part of me says it is one way to not revolve my world around my j-o-b and to try to step into one of the things god may be calling me to.i think the hard thing about dream casting into the future is that i get my hopes up; i don't know how to cast without a hopefulness; i don't know how to be open, without risk. I hurt me when I make poor decisions that spring from an odd association of risk, trying and openness. sometimes i do the exact opposite of what i should when I am trying too hard. i really don't like being afraid; yet, it is unavoidable.