i don't push the business side. i meander. i need to push it, not because i think i should, but because i need to for me. oh crap. i need to push it because i think i am "suppose to." i am "suppose to" if i take this path. if i want this path, it requires pushing. why? less meandering. fraq, meandering is my nature, it is how i get to the work. it allows for hybridization of thinking, of domains in which i dabble. dang the "shoulds" i embrace!
making, the resulting object, causes pause, but writing seems much more purposeful, meaningful--a method that will push out into my future, into others' futures. at a more macro level beyond me and my narrowed we, is one more impactful, objects or words? binary solution sought because it is lazy, but it isn't an either or, ones or zeros. both objects and writing play out in all that i do and culturally witness. objects, space, light, texture, color, line, atmosphere, are incredibly important. we identify with them, need them. really. i identify with them. what little semi-affluent girl hasn't put on a pair of her mom's heels [object] to exclaim, "look i am mommy." objects and spaces, i use. i use them to construct a reflection of myself. yes, yes, i do. i use them to comfort myself, my mind and moods, or surely i [we] would not pay four bucks for a cup of joe at starbucks [well i don't but only because i don't like coffee]. we wrap our identies around ourself to hold the construct of me and we together.
in my shoulds I have tugged myself into a loop. it is the very thing writing does for the writer. it has brought me back on myself realizing the hermitage is a retreat, needed, gifted, but not a space to hunker down in forever, not a possession [well i did buy it and may be overly attached]...my brain and living needs more other, more writing, more making, lest I get lost in a belly button excavation.