hmmm. cough. blah.

when you finally, after looking at the house warming gift your mom has had sitting on the kitchen counter for a little over a decade, decide to open it and cook its contents, hmm, well cough, blah, hack. so I unwrapped the cellophane from the prettily arranged gingerbread man cookie kit, read the directions, mixed the decade old ingredients per instruction with fresh eggs, decorated each pressed out cookie with sparkles and such taken from the cabinet shelf from over the stove housing leftover birthday stuff from my childhood, slid the resulting items into and then back out of the oven, allowed them to just cool on the special rack designed for the task, AND then bit into one with hopes remembered....hack, blah, umm cough only to discover that the shelf life of a gingerbread cookie kit may only be one year, not one decade. hmmmm so I now have a plate filled with gingerbread men that upon the tongue have the texture of crumpled dried dirt and the flavor or lack thereof of cardboard or a communion wafer!!

DECEMBER 30, 2010
OMG!
I just arrived at the parental units and the cookies are still on the kitchen counter BUT SOME ARE MISSING. OMG! I inquired with great fear for my mom and dad. To my relief, my dad let me know he'd been feeding the "cookies" to the birds and squirrels in the backyard. Thank God!

stuff dating back to 1796 found in my gram's collection of things

Found in family bible my gram had that she received from previous generations, bible dating 1858.

 

that was a lot of pampering

in my little BOXed box planter garden to produce my six little butternuts. though I can't keep up with the arugula. I think I harvest 1-2 gallons every other day or so. my cherry tomato bush is still cranking out tomatoes in thick all most like grape clusters. they seem to take turns in turning red, single file, one at a time. my most peaceful moments are the twenty or thirty minutes of harvesting my arugula a blade/leaf at a time.

BOXed full moon

christmas ornaments that'll droop your tree

Making ornaments for the Mystery BOX to sell at

Cultured Cocktails with BOX13 ArtSpace
Location: Boheme Café and Wine Bar, 307 Fairview
Time: 5:00PM Thursday, December 23rd

Proceeds will go to operations of the BOX

Oh yes and the more you drink (bring a desig driver), the larger the portion of the evenings tabs goes to help the BOX operate exhibitions.

dang I just can't eat it fast enough

my arugula likes this weather a little too much! I just harvested about 4 gallons of the stuff. had to give some away! good problem. and my one tomato plant is so dang happy and drooping with fruits.

perhaps this is to remind me that life keeps on. at some level it does remind me of this with the continued growth and regrowth of my arugula and my ripening tomatoes even in the chill of a Houston winter. even when i don't do all the right things to protect and grow my garden. I can only do so much, but honestly I do not make the leaf reach toward the sun or drink from the soil. I can cultivate or not, and growth and regrowth continues. unless you are my a honey bear squash, in which case you're just our of luck. so perhaps even this uncultivated growth that has occurred in my absences amazes.

prepping to deinstall at BOX 13

The BOX's debutant stairwell is spectacular; I was very excited to have had the opportunity to play within this space.

even in my unmoaring
in the unraveling
still seeking into the unwelcomes
I get lost in my own missed-understanding
remnant rough cut oak, tubes, baling wire, rebar, chains
~3'x 3'x 7' each unit (4)
November 2010

then--circa 1964; now--summer 2010

photo my grandmother had, circa 1964
those are not freckles across my nose, but grime (outside playing grime)

photo i have, summer 2010
those are not shadows across my nose, chin, forehead and upper lip, but grime (outside playing art tire grime)

and then there is what i once thought was a doll that i played with when i visited. i loved this doll. even my brother remembered it. (yes i know it is a whisk broom but she danced and glided beautifully)

and a several historical newspapers like,

an interesting day with my dad and brother.

fun things my gram had...still

a blessing for this day the tenth of December

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you...

My students' are hanging it up for the semester (literally)

Sam Houston State University
WASH student exhibition
Mon, December 13, 5pm – 7pm
WASH Building, 2220 Ave. M, across from Holleman Field, Huntsville, TX

(WASH-Workshop in Art Studio and History)

a little fire in the heavens

blogs I read, skim or check regularly

like art--i make it but don't really go a viewing
like poetry--i may write but i don't really sit a reading
like basketball back in the day--i played but i don't really like a spectating

so i blog, but am not a blog-reading-aholic
but a few i do view

this season because I feel a spiritual obligation to think especially deep thoughts this time of year and think I should open the way and his thoughts are deep enough and open enough without pushing me into my way to serious take on life.

regularly because I learn from his journey, see a little more, connect a little more securely, and am challenged in my writing as well and get an occasional laugh

because he's my friend and though I won't learn to be a game boarder, I would like to learn to cook

because she is my friend and this opens the window a little further so that I can see her more wholly

because I like watching a sixth grade poet, writer and photographer blossom and I'll be able to say I knew her way back when

one because I have a sick fear, compulsion, that if I don't, I might miss some hidden secret invitation into a living breathing goodness even though I know if an invitation into this was to come, it would not be through the vehicle of a blog. the knowledge does not stop me from looking and hoping

hmmm. on an occasion i read my own, sometime this helps me hold onto what i believe and am trying to learn and exercise

www.kathrynkelley.blogspot.com

oops. my gram took a tumble and broke her hip. OUCHY.

but the vicadin is totally working.

at 99, living independently, on no meds except over the counter vitamins, no ailments or complaints,  sharp as a tack, and ambulatory until today, the doctors plan to bolt that hip back together in the morning and send her on her way to rehab. hmm the doctor did ask her some funny questions. after they asked her if she smoked, drank, or did drugs...ever, to which she replied, "no," they asked if she thought that is why she's lived such a long healthy life. she just shrugged. hmmm. i am thinking she has had bacon and eggs and coffee every day for her entire life and must simply have amazingly good genes in her blood line. her mom lived to be 91; her dad 93.  YES this is my blood line!

i am hoping the surgery goes well tomorrow morning and she is up and walking soon. they believe she is a good candidate for the surgery but did inform of the real risks; especially for one her age. so if it's time for her to make the crossing, i hope she does so in the way she would like...quickly.

after i snapped this picture of her and i; it suddenly dawned on me that i know exactly what i am going to look like when i am 99, well, except i wont be 4'11".

it brings joy

my scanty garden built in old pipe yard rough cut oak, hobbled together as boxes, sitting atop the asphalt behind my bigger BOX of 13, fenced in by barbed wire and surrounded by remnant combine tractor tubes, adds an unassuming simple comfort. the most peaceful joy filled moments are working my way along my boxes slowly harvesting each individual leaf blade of arugula. or coming home to plucking a handful of raw, fresh vine sugar snap peas and eating them on the spot--so crisp and fresh. I really need to build more which means it is wood harvesting time again. Must bum a trailer

I swerve

kindness usually means i must be willing to swerve from my path. i probably have to set my emotional hankerings, spiritual agendas, monetary security, moral/justice compelled dictates, physical comforts aside for a mere moment to extend kindness. if i only extend toward a finish line, I cannot extend to another. no? yes. and if I swerve, extend, in kindness, when I return to my path, will new directions open or become visible?

I like that :)

papercity art notes

thank you, Catherine for the kudos

oh no. I can't cover my tomatoes

from my dad's. double dang. will I have frozen green tomatoes tomorrow. guess if I do I will have to fry them up tomorrow. time to google a fried green tomato recipe.

Location:St Andrews Dr,College Station,United States

It is difficult. no? yes.

"It's difficult to hear that what we reject out there is what we reject in ourselves, and what we reject in ourselves is what we are going to reject out there. But that, in a nutshell, is how it works. If we find ourselves unworkable and give up on ourselves, then we'll find others unworkable and give up on them. What we hate in ourselves, we'll hate in others. To the degree that we have compassion for ourselves, we will also have compassion for others. Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don't even want to look at."
- Pema Chodron

this seems to parallel other things i understand to be true, not because i have read it, not because the language is buried under the institutional weight of the church, but because it rings in the halls of the reality of heart and mind and relationships

forgive us our debts
as we forgive our debtors
i find my debts are those things i have held back/withheld. it doesn't matter if i intended to or not, meant it for good or harm or it was a manifestation of fear or hurt; it simply is a debt i have to another and to myself--a word or deed left undone, unfulfilled. if i cannot forgive myself for what i have withheld, why would i be able to forgive another for what they have withheld? if i cannot forgive myself for what i have withheld, why would i accept another's forgiveness? and if i cannot see my own debts, is this because i cannot tolerate my own unforgiveness towards myself ? am i without debt? no. i have and will have debt. i need to walk in living forgiveness.

forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us
my trespasses exist when i cross over into anothers space in a way that generates fear or harm, regardless as to whether the no trespassing signs were visible or not. it doesn't matter if i intended to cross over or not, meant it for good or harm or it was a manifestation of fear or hurt; it simply is a trespass i have committed against another and myself. if i cannot forgive myself for they ways i have crossed over, why would i be able to forgive another for how they have crossed over into me? if i cannot forgive myself for the ways i have crossed over, why would i accept another's forgiveness? and if i cannot see my own trespasses, is this because i cannot tolerate my own unforgiveness towards myself? am i without trespasses? no. i have and will trespass. i need to walk in a living forgiveness.

forgive us our sins
as we forgive those who sin against us
my sins are those things of mind, word, heart and action that alienate me from myself, others and god whether i intend this outcome or not. it doesn't matter if the thoughts, words, feelings, and actions were meant for good or harm or it was a manifestation of fear or hurt; it simply is an alienation i have created against myself, another, and god. if i cannot forgive myself for alienating myself, another, and god, why would i be able to forgive another for shunning me as alien? if i cannot forgive myself for alienating, why would i accept another's forgiveness? and if i cannot see my own sin, is this because i cannot tolerate my own unforgiveness? am i without sin? no. i have and will sin. i need to walk in living forgiveness.

or love your neighbor as yourself
who is my neighbor?
how do i love? does not loving require a living forgiveness, for even in our most intimate relationships, those we cherish, does not debt, trespasses and sin occur? are there not moments or years of withholding, crossing over, alienating? yes. what does a living forgiveness look like? perhaps compassion? perhaps mercy? perhaps joy? perhaps sorrows? perhaps living forgiveness is love?

or love your enemy
but who is my enemy?
awe dang. if i cut off, shutout, deny the enemies within, my own internal shadows that simply are, i will surely cut you off, shut you out, deny you. if you or your shadow even remotely generate fear or hurt within me, you have become my enemy from which i must protect myself. perhaps if i learn to love you, my enemy, i will be kinder to myself and vice versa. does it not play back and forth? is that why we are called to love our enemy? the outward exercise refines my inward makings, softens me? thus as i learn how to love my enemies, will i not also become compassionate with who i am and the shadow i cast? and as i am compassionate with who i am, will not my compassion for that which seems alien increase? is not love, compassion? is not compassion, a living forgiveness?

if i hate my enemy or her shadow, i will grow hard and cold. if i hate my enemy, i will assume the worst. eventually who will not be my enemy? i will be my worst enemy? yes.

what is hate?
what is it that i reject?
do i assume the worst?
what do i find unworkable?
who is my enemy?
who have i judged as enemy?
as other?
as alien?
as debtor?
as trespassor?
as sinner?

what is a living breathing forgiveness but love. that is love. it is difficult. no? yes.

i will continue to prepare my ground for living forgiveness. it will not be enough. but it will be.

seriously my last iPhone 4 which apple graciously swapped out definitely had a defective element in its camera because the clarity with the new one is fabulous. oh yeah!!! my macrofocus works, my steering wheel 70 mile an hour focus works. oh yes my bro is going to get my now fixed cast offs.

thank you

mom and dad
grand girlfriends
Lori, Amy and Diana
Josh. Jeff and Jon
Karly and Riley
Paul and Cheri, Nicole and Troy
Glenn and Shelly
Gram
Michael and Bill
Marilyn, Tom and Thomas
fellow writers and thinkers
Matt, Jerry and Peter
Tommy
Dean and Sophie
Peter
Dr Rachel
Amy and Jeff
Trishadeaux
WASHers
BOXers
Share group young women
and you many others who have been especially sensitive, merciful and kind

I AM THANKFUL FOR
my big back porch
the sky
my box
tejano music that drifts over the night air on weekends
my grill
steak
acorn squash and asparagus
cheese
the cool breeze of autumn
the rumbles of the trains
my home grown arugula
my veggie garden boxes
the reuse warehouse
my job
my steel tip boots
my new girlie jeans
tire tubes
my summer in Connecticut
and the drive to and fro
my truck
pen and paper
my camera phone
mouse traps and roach killing agents
gifts of opportunity I have been given in the art world

god's abiding love that is not based on me or what others think.

that's a start to who and what I am grateful for this year. I will add as it pops in my head because there is so much more.

am complying. the night is to beautiful not to experience

me and my night sky. again. no problemo

yum. dang that looks like a lot of food

but the caloric value says, "no problemo, eat it all.". ok I think I will

me and my night sky

me and my night sky from my BOX

i think i'll keep the 4 and my lucky little brother will perhaps if he sucks up to me properly will get my 3gs that my friend's husband so graciously fixed for me, replacing glass and screen.

yum. I just ate my first ever home grown

tomato fresh off the vine. lots more to come. apparently tomatoes and arugula are my gardening strong points.

awe. my tomatoes are not like my cookie briquettes

first one is turning the proper hue.

ummm is this a ...

a cookie or a charcoal briquette? where is my table saw? dang. I ate it anyway! good carbon source. YUP

WASHer inflatatopia begins

Monday, Nov 22
11-2 pm
LSC
Sam Houston State University

responsibility?

in dreams begins responsibility
William Butler Yeats

where there is no vision, the people perish.
Solomon

I can see how this rings true. in areas of my life where, for whatever reason, there was no vision, steps, investments, were not known how to be made to move that way for there simply was not a that way. to live through tomorrow is not a dream, not a vision. it is a barely holding on, a just surviving. and though i may die tomorrow or the next, thriving forward comes in the dreams and visions of future casting. even with the slightest, faintest of vision, dream steps, even baby ones, can be taken.

no dreams or vision for the future of calling, purpose and relationships leads to a kind of death because when the time comes one is not ready/prepared to arrive into that vision or survive the storms that may come before, during or after the dreams fruition.

I wholeheartedly agree that in dreams begins responsibility and that without vision the people, I, perish.

I will awaken to dream--am getting up.
I will listen for vision--am inclining my head.
And, whether with a limp, shuffle, or bound,
am moving toward that which creates, unbinds and enlivens.
And, whether with a jolt, wrench, or ease of gentle morn,
am moving away from that which tranquilizes,  deafens and deadens.

replacement of my 4 for 4

seems to have resolved the macro focus