i can still hear the shattering even in this silence

withdrawal and silence
absence
are not a new thing
yet i am taken aback that i have not become accustom to it through the years
i thought my feet would have thickened,
and my heart would have become calloused to it
the hardening, thickening never came
yet i could not stop the breaking
and early last May when my feet and heart shattered into a kazillion shards
and my feet could no longer carry me
i refused to let the pieces die
the remnants i gathered up were so very exhausted, so very tired, so thin
i no longer could see how mending was possible
my vision blurred, hope dwindled into that silence

whether deserved or undeserved
i have never gotten use to the withdrawal and silence
or the sense of absence
as it was before, so it continues
withdrawal and silence and absence broke me
and it still works on me the same way today
it chips away at my feet, my heart, my mind, my soul
as i have done in the past, i speak into the silences
it is the only thing i ever could think to try
though from time to time i believe i heard the faintest stir
i haven't been able to draw anything forth from that silence for as long as i can remember
not with a gentle word, a caress, not with a holler, a foot stomp, not with truth or the lessor
and still i cry and wither when i hear the same hollow ring in its stringent vacancy
the fragments splinter further
i must stop speaking into the silence
there is no life there for me no matter what i wanted or want
and i wanted you so

feet of shadows trudge this space of absence

i need to allow the shards of what remains to be mended
to gently allow my shadowed fragmented shards to be gather up
and as an invisible hand mends me, i want to breathe forgiveness
to breathe again and again, to choose to live

May I breathe forgiveness

may i breathe
forgiveness

without breath
there is no life

i choose to breathe
i breathe

it requires an
inward and outward
action on my part

a contraction and expansion
an effort and acceptance
a giving and receiving

everyday i ask
what would God
have of me

everyday i know
his answer to be
to breathe and live
to give and receive

may i breathe forgiveness

oh yeah and
deinstall art
from pitman park


may 7, 2009


april 4, 2009

How is forgiveness radical and rule-breaking?

excerpt from From Hope Against Darkness, p. 146

If we don’t get forgiveness, we’re missing the whole mystery. We are still living in a world of meritocracy, of quid-pro-quo thinking, a world of performance and behavior that earns and loses rewards. Not much better than a lottery.

Forgiveness is the great thawing of all logic and reason and worthiness. It is a melting into the mystery of God as unearned love, unmerited grace, the humility and powerlessness of a Divine Lover. Forgiveness is the beginning, the middle and the end of the whole gospel, as far as I can see. It is forgiveness toward almost everything for not being what we wanted it to be.

Without radical and rule-breaking forgiveness received and given there will be no reconstruction of anything. It alone breaks down our damnable world of trying to buy and sell grace. Grace and forgiveness are the gifts that must always be given freely—or it is not grace and it is not forgiveness! (See Ephesians 2:7-9)

Current mantra: May I breathe forgiveness

From Hope Against Darkness, p. 146

What do you struggle to forgive in yourself?

Excerpt from Radical Grace: Daily Meditations, p. 81, day 89 (Source: The Passion of God and the Passion Within)

There's no way we can love until we forgive ourselves for not being perfect, for not being the saints we once wanted to be. To use Franciscan imagery, until we've leapt across the chasm and embraced the leper, until we've recognized that really the leper is not on the other side of the chasm but the leper is, first of all, the leper within, we won't really know our passion, or be capable of com-passion. In his Testament Francis said that when he kissed the leper, “what before had been hateful to [him] became sweetness and light.”

His compassion for others coincided with a new compassion for himself. God’s compassion comes from a spacious place where a lot of things are put together and coexist, where we recognize, forgive and make friends with the enemy within. The passionate struggle with our own shadow becomes passion for the struggles of our neighbor.

Current mantra: May I breathe forgiveness

What does forgiveness do for us?

One could say that among the most powerful of human experiences is to give or to receive forgiveness. I am told that two-thirds of the teaching of Jesus is directly or indirectly about this mystery of forgiveness, God’s breaking of God’s own rules. That’s not surprising, because forgiveness is probably the only human action that reveals three goodnesses simultaneously:

1. When we forgive, we choose the goodness of the other over their faults;
2. We experience God’s goodness flowing through us; and
3. We also experience our own goodness in a way that almost surprises us.

That is an awesome coming together of power, and we know it is a power bigger than our own.

Current mantra: May I breathe forgiveness

From Hope Against Darkness, pp. 141, 143

excerpt from Daily Meditation: What does forgiveness do for us? May 3, 2009 cac@cacradicalgrace.org [cac@cacradicalgrace.org]

feet of shadows trudge this space of absence

work being created for exhibition feet of shadows at Wayne Gilbert's G Gallery opening June 6, 2009. hmmm why does everything keep getting larger.








------

remade and modular

in the space of absence :: i obliterate that which i love

this piece costs me about $400 bucks to move cause it is so heavy. so jerry phelton made me a new frame, a modular frame. AMEN! thank you jerry.


here it is on its new frame decked out and ready to go


the modular frame

---------

my new BOX patio made from trash picked up along the road side.

Living Faithfully in an Ambiguous World

Our hearts and minds desire clarity. We like to have a clear picture of a situation, a clear view of how things fit together, and clear insight into our own and the world's problems. But just as in nature colors and shapes mingle without clear-cut distinctions, human life doesn't offer the clarity we are looking for. The borders between love and hate, evil and good, beauty and ugliness, heroism and cowardice, care and neglect, guilt and blamelessness are mostly vague, ambiguous, and hard to discern.

It is not easy to live faithfully in a world full of ambiguities. We have to learn to make wise choices without needing to be entirely sure.

this reflections is taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.

Closed for repairs (as is my facebook)

sometimes it is just necessary to step away from the computer for period of time, this is that time for me. i will still be making and writing (just privately so).
-Kathy

it is not my harvest; it is i who am harvested

how do i un-domesticate God
for he is feral not to be pinned
by my imaginings
harvested for my purpose

i smell the stars
taste the rumble of the sea
remember the perfect softness
of my god-daughter's beautiful
demands to be held
and i just know
with every breath
he is a wild God
infinitely
extravagant

This reflection is taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.

"Returning to God's Ever-Present Love

We often confuse unconditional love with unconditional approval. God loves us without conditions but does not approve of every human behavior. God doesn't approve of betrayal, violence, hatred, suspicion, and all other expressions of evil, because they all contradict the love God wants to instill in the human heart. Evil is the absence of God's love. Evil does not belong to God.

God's unconditional love means that God continues to love us even when we say or think evil things. God continues to wait for us as a loving parent waits for the return of a lost child. It is important for us to hold on to the truth that God never gives up loving us even when God is saddened by what we do. That truth will help us to return to God's ever-present love."

now i stand in the etchings

like the seasonal rains
the rivulets of salt
run.
dry.
they etch me deeply

ah there is depth

i was so afraid
there wouldn't be
now i stand
in the depth of these etchings

pass through me

unknown to me for quite sometime, my feelings, my emotions, have been begging to be, to be felt, to be allowed, to be just what they are. i have denied this. i have been angry and tried not to be, i have been sad and tried not to be, i have been afraid and tried not to be, i have been happy and tried not to be, all this type of not being has to stop for it is not being at all. I have suppress, denied, pushed out sideways the good and bad of walking in my being. Now i go up and down with it as i float on my surface waiting for the storm to settle to a more tolerable roll, a more gentle up and down of this being. I am ok with the large swells and troughs but i need them, want them, to have a softer roll not the hardness of the choppy crush, just a nice slow rolling that allows me to see a bit further and breathe a little easier. i still wont be able to see over the next crest, but slower would just feel more sane.

this up and down of joy and grief is tolerable but when fear comes in i become paralyzed. paralysis just doesn't get me anywhere. But fear, like anger, like joy will serve me best if i let its swell gently roll through me, over me, in me. it is when i am to afraid of the roll that i grab it, try to control it, manage it, stand up in it, that it doesn't pass, it doesn't roll on when i hold it. instead it knocks me to the ground as i wrestle for dominion over it. i sink with its weight.

now i try to open my hand, extend my arms and feet and let it roll under, over, through. this is what i hope to practice, letting things slide through, experiencing them but not wrestling them, controlling them. this is true even of joy. it passes. as it passes through me i want to feel its roll, to taste it on my skin as it swirls about me, in me. to simply learn how to feel them as they are, allowing them to be, allowing me to be

i fall

my path lies
before me behind me
i move along it
but how

i must fall
without falling
i do not move

with each falling
there is a rhythm
of catching of rising
then i begin again
i fall i catch i rise
with each i move

the falling is terrifying
yet this is how i move
this is how i walk

this is how we all walk
it is the nature of walking

shut up

i write because i love
when i shut up love
the door bangs closed
i pound and scrape
my fingers
bloody with prying
but without love
without hope
tightly shut it remains
the smell of the void
the vacancy

the remotest parting
and i find
my lips part as they
press to the frame
to drink in the waft
that trickles through
i scribble down
as fast as can
the words that
spill over
and i reach
for the handle

looky what showed up in a friends inbox

i didn't even know, but it sure made me smile.
artslant worldwide
click and then scroll to tire tube images :-)

I am not a plumber.

But today I am!


Well i guess NOT since i removed the parts to put on new ones and the pipe coming out of the wall is actually broken. BOX THAT!

I awaken.

i have been invited to be party to my own life, to step into the light, fully awake and engage. i can just taste the sun dappling through the shadows of the trees upon my lips as it slowly dries the salt streams

to choose presence, i explore ways in which i have denied joy, denied being party to my own life, denied being kathy, denied presence. it is as though a gentle hand prods and rocks me in a good way

kathryn
it is time
it is time
to wake up
to come
fully outside
into the sun
and dance

in solitude, in quiet, i hear this still quiet voice which calls me by name, calls me "my beloved" and i know that i must make my way into the presence of wakefulness, engagement, light and life.

i stir.

Choosing Joy

Joy is what makes life worth living, but for many joy seems hard to find. They complain that their lives are sorrowful and depressing. What then brings the joy we so much desire? Are some people just lucky, while others have run out of luck? Strange as it may sound, we can choose joy. Two people can be part of the same event, but one may choose to live it quite differently than the other. One may choose to trust that what happened, painful as it may be, holds a promise. The other may choose despair and be destroyed by it.

What makes us human is precisely this freedom of choice.

These reflection is taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.

I am working on joy.

I was surprised to see I had invited myself into my own life.

I have drawn a lot of strength from my shadows and often have I hidden in their cast, but now I am inviting me to be party to my own life, to step into the light. How do I be alive, fully awake? How do I engage that? This is what I am working on.

a mini interview.

Sean Carroll's video/interview during in the space of absence

Some other links about the show (more to come)

photos of show
up to the sky's blog

some views of installing in the space of absence

but my little camera phone images don't speak to scale or smell...work is totally different when actually experienced in its presence.

in the space of absence
January 23 – February 28, 2009
Opening Reception Friday, January 23, 2009 from 6:30 – 8:30 PM
Artist talks at 6:00 PM


my own lies swallow me.
Tubes, baling wire, wood, cinder blocks
78 x 108. 2008


the fracture between us yawns as a cavern
so wide I close my eyes and feel the bruise of soul.
tubes, baling wire, wood, cinder blocks.
Size varies. 2009


in the space of absence :: i lied, i lied again,
and i forgot how to come home
Tubes, steel. 192 x 90 x 120. 2009


what is it that i have that i was not given.
78 x 108. 2007

Lawndale Art Center is located at 4912 Main Street in the Museum District, just north of Hermann Park and the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston. We are easily accessible from downtown Houston, the Medical Center , HWY 59 and HWY 288.

4912 Main Street
Houston, TX 77002

Gallery Hours
Monday thru Friday 10am - 5pm
Saturday 12pm - 5pm
Closed on Sundays


treading where no one hears the echoes of my footfall.
Tubes, baling wire, wood, cinder blocks
78 x 108. 2009


in the space of absence :: i obliterated that which I have loved.
Tubes liners, wood, cinderblocks
78 x 108. 2009

Almost

I am almost ready to come up for air and welcome the sun. I think I will breathe deeply Friday around 6:31.

The Still, Small Voice of Love

Many voices ask for our attention. There is a voice that says, "Prove that you are a good person." Another voice says, "You'd better be ashamed of yourself." There also is a voice that says, "Nobody really cares about you," and one that says, "Be sure to become successful, popular, and powerful." But underneath all these often very noisy voices is a still, small voice that says, "You are my Beloved, my favor rests on you." That's the voice we need most of all to hear. To hear that voice, however, requires special effort; it requires solitude, silence, and a strong determination to listen.

That's what prayer is. It is listening to the voice that calls us "my Beloved."

-------------

The Voice in the Garden of Solitude

Solitude is the garden for our hearts, which yearn for love. It is the place where our aloneness can bear fruit. It is the home for our restless bodies and anxious minds. Solitude, whether it is connected with a physical space or not, is essential for our spiritual lives. It is not an easy place to be, since we are so insecure and fearful that we are easily distracted by whatever promises immediate satisfaction. Solitude is not immediately satisfying, because in solitude we meet our demons, our addictions, our feelings of lust and anger, and our immense need for recognition and approval. But if we do not run away, we will meet there also the One who says, "Do not be afraid. I am with you, and I will guide you through the valley of darkness."

Let's keep returning to our solitude.

This reflections are taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.

Upcoming artist talks with me doing some of the talking.

Opening Night of in the space of absence
Friday, January 23
6 pm
Lawndale Art Center

Looking at Art (private event)
Wednesday, January 28
8 pm
Lawndale Art Center

SpeakEasy sponsored by Spacetaker.org (public)
Wednesday, February 18
6:30 pm
Lawndale Art Center

five.

possibly a four though or a five with a strong four component or a four with a strong five component. i am learning.

load 'em up, move 'em out, install 'em

break out the camera phone. snap. click. now pass out from moving about 2000 lbs of tubes in a day...even with 6 men helping, this chica is exhausted.


Yes. The movers dropped this monstrosity. Tore it.
And created a general dishevel (of course only i can tell).
Thankful we didn't break any people.






Yes. When you tell movers not to grab it by the sticky outy sticks and tell them they are not structural, the first thing they do is test that and break the sticky outy sticks????? hm. ok, but it was so heavy that even with 6 men and a chica, we weren't too sure we were going to be able to get it in the doors without killing someone--was a definite possibility.


And this by far was the heaviest piece.
Yes, I believe the movers were cursing me in spanish!



AND MUCH MORE...You all are welcome to come join me Friday night.

in the space of absence
Opening at Lawndale Art Center
Friday, January 23, 2009

Artist Talks 6 pm
Opening 6:30 to 8:30 pm

4912 Main Street
Houston, TX 77002

Regular Gallery Hours
Monday thru Friday 10am - 5pm
Saturday 12pm - 5pm
Closed on Sundays

what kind of chica makes work with huge stink, this kind!
chica standing in BOX 13 ArtSpace courtyard surrounded by her stinky, freshly harvested remnant tubes

about all the sewing i can do for the day.

a few elements that will be going in the exhibition in the space of absence


bad images from camera phone. five foot pod of about 15 pods.


worked on finalizing this piece


kept sewing and began stuffing....

in the space of absence

pieces are coming together. almost there and ready for the show. titling is complete but may be a bit to raw.

In the space of absence | Kathy Kelley
Lawndale Art Center | John M. O'Quinn Gallery

January 23 – February 28, 2009
Opening Reception Friday, January 23, 2009 from 6:30 – 8:30 PM
Artist talks at 6:00 PM

Lawndale Art Center is located at 4912 Main Street in the Museum District, just north of Hermann Park and the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston. We are easily accessible from downtown Houston, the Medical Center , HWY 59 and HWY 288.

4912 Main Street
Houston, TX 77002

Gallery Hours
Monday thru Friday 10am - 5pm
Saturday 12pm - 5pm
Closed on Sundays

in the space of absence

work coming along for exhibition opening in lawndale art center's o'quinn gallery friday, january 23 6:30-8:30. artist talks are at 6 pm the same evening.


in process but almost there. 12' x 7' and several hundred pounds of tubes.