sewing on work for in the space of absence

working on the (w)hole of the lie a series of vacant pod like structures for my exhibition in the space of absence opening at Lawndale Art Center this January 23, 2009.

the dust is kicked up as the cleaning proceeds

my poor studio has become a tire grunge dust bucket. i am attempting a surgical strike at removing the filth, i have loaded up the truck with the equivalent of studio amputations that will head for some hazardous disposal unit. it may require me to drive my truck in and just leave it for fear its contents may crawl back out. BUT i can now see the floor of my studio, this is a good thing.

ARTCRAWL
Saturday, November 22, 2008
10 am to 8 pm
BOX 13 ArtSpace
open studios and gallery
6700 Harrisburg (77011)

in the space of absence coming to lawndale january 23, 2009

i am currently working on a piece abstracted from a visual in my mind of a mama pig being suckled. thinking once again about the infantile nature of our wanting and taking...that big sucking sound i hear...

in the space of absence travels

to Nuevo Laredo as part of artCRUSH curated by Hector Hernandez, Michael Anthony García and Salvador Castillo

as did the piece clawing for eden. A big thank you to Hector, Jaime and Michael as well as the City of Nuevo Laredo for the opportunity.

stitching and sewing like a mad dog

stitching and sewing like a mad dog in preparation for my show, in the space of absence, that opens at Lawndale Art Center January 23, 2009.




large square nipples (the interior) in process.

freedom dwindles.

When language becomes exhausted, our freedom dwindles—we cannot think; we do not recognize danger; injustice strikes us as no more than “the way things are.”

Madeleine L'Engle

to affirm meaning

to hear a melody and set the notes down for a string quartet (to make), is to affirm meaning, despite all the ambiguities and tragedies and misunderstanding which surrounds us

Madeleine L'Engle

you must once and for all give up being worried about successes and failures. Don't let that concern you. It's your duty to go on working steadily day by day, quite quietly, to be prepared for mistakes, which are inevitable, and for failures.

Tchekov

a good day

it's not too hot and the sun is shining. it is a good day. i like good days.

rebellion?

Some one said to me today in regards to me

that i am
brave to fight my terror
that i am
forthright to fight my hypocrisy

this feels right and then they asked about my rebellion and i don't know the answer. i do know that i rebel. but i think all these concepts/feelings/behaviors tie together bravery and terror, forthrightness and hypocrisy. they seem to be both the light and dark side of my rebellion. i say dark and light because some rebellion is needed, is good, especially in our culture which as a whole distracts, diverts and pacifies us from actually paying attention to what is happening around us--so that we do not rebel. so rebellion in me is needed, but it also is destructive when i rebel against good things within me and others, when i rebel as a defense from an imaginary foe.

am i rebellious to fight artificial constructs of oppression both culturally and within my self?
am i rebellious to hide my fear, my terror?
where does my rebellion come from?
how do i use it for good? how do i stop using it as a shield, a deflection, against others and myself?

i stand in the rubble of my crumbled tower.

I heard the quote below and it resonated with my current condition. I have been a good vulcan, a good cyborg, i have told myself that i know, that i understand, that i am certain, that i am in control, that i am rational and that i am autonomous. and i know that this is the lie i tell myself. this wall of knowing, understanding, certainty, control, rationality and autonomy has coming crashing down around me. it hurst like hell. but this crumbling of my tower is good. this tower i've built out of these things isolates me, keeps me from being known and knowing others, myself and god. it prevents me from connecting, from belonging. in this moment when i find the rubble around my feet, i will try not to rebuild this tower, this wall. i will try and allow for being scared, being sad, being afraid, and to allow myself to cry SO THAT i may be known and know others, myself, and god, that i may connect, that i may belong. i have discovered that i can't be a vulcan. my tower that has crumbled wasn't keeping me safe anyway, it was only keeping me alone.

It's all a front, a great big game of pretend

inside we are terribly scared
inside we are terribly sad
inside we are terribly afraid

we found a way to cover our fears
we found a way to cover our sadness
we found a way not to have to cry

to always pretend that we are certain
to always pretend that we are right
to always pretend that we are in control
to always pretend that we understand

but we know better inside
but at this point we have almost begun to believe the lie ourselves

Fr. Richard

view from my rocking chair

Oh the view.
that i loved deeply and had rich friendships
that i helped others find deeper meaning on their own paths
that i was not afraid to laugh or cry
that i knew joy
that i was not afraid of hardship and change

yes and from my rocking chair i would still like to be making art and writing and mentoring and loving, but not in isolation but that i would be connected to others, to myself, to god

that i took time to walk, to feel the sun on my face
that i gave myself in love
that i gently and givingly held my love with care
that i did not hoard my love, energy, mind, or soul
that i had gratitude for both the gifts and hardships

that as i rock i would still be able to breathe in joy, know connection

art is important but it is nothing in comparison to love and life

so what is my BHAG (big hairy audacious goal)
to love richly and givingly

how does one generate emotional capital to make changes

this is what i am working on...generating emotional capital. it cannot be generated in a day or a week. it took a long time to destabilize my accounts by the choices I've made or been afraid to make and now i must recover the emotional capital to make changes in my life. i believe i can secure this emotional capital needed to move me into a space of belonging, that space where i can walk in joy, and that gives me the freedom and desire to partner out of strength. but it will take me some time, some opening of myself, risk taking and practice to lay hold of this capital and to not let it slide through my fingers because they become slick with the sweat of fear. but i believe it is in me, that the strengths is already there, i just have to relearn how to use it, to exercise it. i believe that time is not a deal breaker, but in fact allows for healing and growth both for me and those i love. each of us must do some of our own work so that we can move forward and then at the right time work with our partner aiding one other over the bumps that take more than one in this path called life.

i continue to look at the role of making, writing, mentoring and loving in my life. and looking at how to grow in the areas that have atrophied and trust the areas that are strong.

quoting from my own journey into becoming ...

I have reached that space in life where my strength of ego and self-will allow me, draw me, to take the risk of “becoming.” Becoming who I am, not that self defined by “shoulds.” Change is difficult. Self sabotage common. Yet, I am moving into that self that has been simmering below my surface for a very long time.

I am consumer, lover of stuff.
I am female, pink appeals.
I am forty-four, decay has begun.
I am visual, language challenged.
I am seeker, life teaches.
I am designer, anally fixated.
I am watcher, society astounds.
I am pattern seer, micro macro, macro micro.
I am dysfunction, I function.
I am spiritual, Christ calls.
I am tactile, let me touch it.
I am American, arrogance assumed.

This surfaced self binds together the fragments of my many selves into a unit, into a whole. And as I step into this whole/fragmented self...I find myself. Deep satisfaction. Maturation.

My should self has never known passion. My ... self has been safe. An electric current of fear courses through me as passion moves to the forefront. Art informs my design. Design informs my art. AND ALL THESE GOD USES TO INFORM AND TRANSFORM MY LIFE. I step to the edge of change and waiver there. The safe and unsafe are merging and I am becoming. (2005)

-----

NOT TO BE SAFE

I step to the edge of change and wavier there until my own demons pull me back. No. I choose to follow them back. I give myself over. Change is screaming to me and I know it is what I need, what I want. What I CRAVE!

Simultaneously, the lure of safe sameness calls to me, beckoning me back from the edge, yet I find that my toes curl tightly to this edge. I am stretched, torn, yet, I am not returning to the safe sameness! I will process the fear, redirect it. I am not beating my head on the same wall, or at least it looks different, feels different...is different?

What is not different are the demons. They are not new. Every time I step into/toward change, they approach me­—steal my thoughts, riveting them on old fears. I require, demand, to push through, not to give in, NOT TO BE SAFE.

I have chosen not to dream, but now they break over me in a rushing onslaught. Not the dream of sleep have I fled, but the dream of future-casting. And now I taste the dream rolling across the back of my tongue and it scares the hell out of me! (2006)

As scared as I am of my dreams and to move away from safety, I cannot allow myself to be swallowed by fear. It is no longer an option to be paralyzed by fear, it is no longer an option to allow my roots to remain thirsty, but i must also understand that within myself the cultivation of emotional capital to change requires more than a week or two and i must be willing to do the work.

what is grief?

it swells in my soul and i can not contain it. where does it come from? where does it go? i grieve.

the big picture

i know making, writing, mentoring and loving are part of who i am.

1. MAKING allows me to discover things
   about my world and self that would
   otherwise remain submerged and unattainable;
   it brings me joy, dirt and laughter
   
2. MENTORING (teaching) gets me outside of myself,
   teaches me, helps me unlearn what doesn't belong;
   it brings me delight and purpose
   
3. WRITING connects me through silence to my self,
   God, the world and others; helps me remember
   who I am and am becoming and how i fit;
   it brings me faith; it reveals my wounds;
   it opens me
   
4. LOVING fills my body and soul,
   it connects my fragments of being
   it gives me the desire to both give and receive;
   it strengthens me; it brings me hope.

When i neglect any of these, my life, who i am, limps. or when i get to focused on how to eat and forget to walk, i limp. To walk in my own skin and know joy, i must attend to making, writing, mentoring and loving and not overlook the details of eating but not focus on it either. And so now i must walk my path in my own skin, take steps toward eating*, and i must attend. it may take me a while to figure out how to do these things, but i will.

*eating refers to the daily details of things i need to do in order to have food, shelter and such.