ideations of pounding my ankle bones. ouchy. and OMG they're turning 30!

enjoyed that. saw a family this afternoon, all whom I hold dear and most I haven't seen in sometime. I suppose since I am lean with a bit of muscle, people assume I am still athletic (wrong). because of the leanness, Larry asked me if I was still playing ball. ha. just ideations of pounding my ankle bones up and down the full court, let alone the landing after a jump shot, HURTS ME. so I just laughed. ..the last time I played full court was with him. it was fun to hear him recall the first time i came out and asked if I could play in the pick up games. I was a middle age woman (the younger side of middle age. dang almost 20 years ago), so they kind of weren't interested since they were "really" playing ball. being gentlemen though, they obliged me. a girl actually doesn't really need to play that well, just hold her own, be a little rough with them, and pop a few jump shots from outside, to leave her new middle aged (the slightly higher side) male teammates a bit taken (in a fun platonic non-weird way). jit caught my s. units eye as well almost 30 years ago, according to his story, he went straight out and bought leather high tops. the stories have long since been edited, rewritten, and truncated. so today I preferred Larry's. it was far more kind and gentle. I liked that he remembered, it was a fun recall and in a good way his story temporarily re-tethered me and I felt connected to my own life for those and a few residual moments.

Katie, Katherine, and Amy [and the rest scattered across the us]

I've always found it interesting the natural bond or affinity we instantly have for some people. these bonds tend to last even if a decade of contact is skipped. i tend to trust these intuitive life tethers. I've always had this affinity for the Whaley family as well as with most my s.g. girls (now women). I am never sure how to cultivate these relationships, I only know they exist.

I've loved and love others and they have and are significant. the first two I recall having this natural affinity with were/are Laura Leigh Williams (4th grade) and Annetta Jayne Harvell (10th grade).

rain. YAY. all night, pretty please.

it explains why

driving in to start day; hermitage route at the far end; it is needed. soothes. just don't attach. all passes as does the day. find comfort in what is. release what is to not be held. don't attach. beautiful as it is, more lies ahead, to the side, without and within. nothing the same, remains so. what appears to be, often is not. I attach and I should not.

raindrops

hmmm. grilled first time since I bought my hermitage with microforest and mini meadow

finally the other day i noticed while passing through the national forest that blinking blink sign which indicates no camp fires and for the last five months also no cook stoves, has at last changed to allow for cook stoves. YAY! this blinky blink is what I've paid attention to to determine when to pull the trigger and set my gas grill to a flaming safely. YAY! perhaps this will kick start something faster than geologic change on the renovation front. am moving really slow on renovation cause of school stuff, studio down sizing, fretting, and then worrying about how much funds to drop into the hermitage interior face lift for various reasons. is it a wise decision to renovate in terms of my own aesthetic or more conservative in terms of resale. crap, I don't like to feel the need to think about it that way. I had so hoped this would be the place where I could unfold. perhaps it will be. if not I just need to be prepared for that as well. am learning to hold loosely, don't become to attached, be open to change, life and people are never what I expect. in theory this keeps life interesting; in practice it makes me a little exhausted and distracts me from the unfolding. I turn around and I am all closed up again and can't see beyond the stupid constructed knots. the house still lies empty with exception of bed, kitchen supplies, lawn furniture and some chairs. does one really need much else? a work table, bookshelves, etc would be helpful I think.

unfold.

I want to unfold.
Let no place in me hold itself closed,
for where I am closed, I am false.
I want to stay clear in your sight

excerpt from Rainer Maria Rilke

morning view while still parallel to earth surface

evening view while truck butt planted and traveling 60 mph

windows open; coyotes howling

just past full moon

that is just wrong. i stood on the scale this morning and it has to be wrong!

i know this is what you expect to hear from a woman; but it really isn't what you think. for the last quarter of a century, i have lived scale free (at the s. unit's demand which i was good with and have been glad for). this has worked exceedingly well for me to not tie my life and identity to the emotional anchor of weight and its minor fluctuations. i learned to turn my attention to weight if i was physically uncomfortable or the zip woouldn't zipper, which is a reasonable cause to make adjustments up or down. and to note and adjust again if my body couldn't keep up on an activity i wanted or needed to do...thus implementation of exercise at times (yes i know i am ending my sentences dangling--get over it self and other). well sometimes i have lived pretty dang parsimoniously and simply didn't want to buy more clothes, bigger or smaller. so i have paid attention when there is reason or i am simply hormonal. i am sure there has been a bit of vanity in there but really shouldn't be since mostly i have been fortunate with my genome which isn't anything to take pride in as though i had done something great...it's just been an unearned gift i received.

for the last couple of years, i have had to fight the opposite direction than most women since i am naturally angular...if you strip those facial angles of the little fatty tissue that did exist, you end up with the third world refugee look--perhaps in a magazine this is beautiful with hollowed cheeks, iliac crests jutting, ribs protruding, and clavicles frailly distended from sunken meatless flesh but in really life it looks unhealthy and sad.

anyhow this morning was just wrong when i stood on the scale!!! NO. dang it that can't be right! for many reasons, even when i see a scale, i don't climb on because i know i will unnecessarily respond to its silly calculations. much the same way i respond to other people's judgments when measuring me to see in what ways i may be defective or inadequate for the task at hand.

looking down, squinting to read the numbers, on the mechanical device, a part of my mind smiles, the part that listens to cultural dictates and appreciates my small ass, but the more whole part of me tugs saying, that is stupid low, not healthy. it far lower than i expected or should be for my 5'9" frame...and i am pretty sure i've put at least 10 pounds back on or at least that is what i tell myself and friends...is the scale wrong? should i pay attention. they usually are off a bit, but that much? it was unexpected. maybe my friends just buy my story of gain because my features soften as my grief continues to settle a bit and i accept things and people from my past for who they may actually be as well as accept their various relational capacities as i understand my own.

i am not use to scales, don't like them, and really do not want to tie my emotions to them whether the scale runs high, low or smack dead on. so i will just trust my angular softening and not fret about being too thin. darn but not this morning as i react to that stupid scale to which i DO respond. i stopped and bought a box of crescent rolls and ate 5 or 6 because i don't want to look like a refugee in any form and i am not a refugee! i am constantly given more than i can even think to ask for whether it be a baby pseudo tractor to mow my mini-meadow, an elevated hermitage with a view, a microforest and mini meadow to meander, or two jobs (making and mentoring) which feel like walking in my own skin (except the politic side which i pretty much despise cause i am not into competition...i'd prefer everyone do well; not one over or against another). today though in response to the scale, i was shoving some extra carbs down my throat to enhance the softening...

i hate scales whether they be mechanical or the judgment of the human kind...i don't perform well for either and will stop stepping onto them or into it. both the mechanical and judgmental are error ridden because most measuring devices, organic and inorganic, are flawed in various ways...hmmmm. as is my grammar.

deinstall; reinstall; piled high and deep

Friday, October 14, 6-9 pm
2011 Texas Biennial Artists (handful)
Houston opening
Darke Gallery

kathy moves most her stuff to make room for her peers :)
it is worse than uncle Jed, when you view her truck piled high and deep.

too busy plus other stuff to have been to movies in three years

once over a Christmas with my bros. but my first sci-fi was planet of the apes while laying on top of a green split level station wagon at my first drive in movie experience in about 1971 or so, therefore the new planet of the apes is on my must see list. might even need to own. 

mark making with the whole self

what is that clogging the road this afternoon?

sometimes i prefer when they break the rules a smidge

like running their formal isolation video project backwards [Jorge].



or simply swinging is ok as well [Caitlyn]

overlap and unoverlapping

some odd billions of people populating this sphere and I do get surprised at the progressive overlap of knowings even in unexpected dislocatedness of my dispersed friendly knowings.

a separate thought as driving (driving! who is surprised at that!) this morning relative to our facebook and such cyber relationships, rekindlings and kindlings dislocated in virtual space, reminds me of one of Isaac Asmovs (sp?) early robot books, I think it took place on planet of Solaris, where there was no human contact only virtual and robotic.

the weather is fine!

been faltered walking, bone bumbling (riding bike on wash board gravel road) bouncing and moon glance casting a bout the hermitage hood. lots of other things require attending but a few steps, an upturned glance with short bumbles are required. it was one of the many purposes of embedding in the microforest with its mini meadow.

crazy things my students wear for WASH

little black dresses (Jordan)

I need a dang gun!!! line em up in my sites and BANG BANG!

those raccoons, the whole freaking family, are like mini fat masked eyed elephant chattering punk RATS! even a pellet gun to pop them in their big fat slow waddling butts and get them off my front porch would do. next thing you know they'll be opening the front door saying, "honey we are home, what's for dinner."

dang coons!