concur

"Try and hang on to some people. It'll get lonely out there."

it might look very different but do hold on. I would very much like and want that.

tired.

unsureness and second guessing each turn I take. quite tired. but writing again. that is good.

sure, i know. i know. i'll work on my bootstraps, there is no other way.

i act like i know what i am doing. i think most people have this same bluff. clearly i've no idea. sure i have areas of expertise. i am pretty intuitive at some things. i get startled at what others more distant think i do well. i've only just learned in recent years that i've a tendency toward enabling. i probably saw it some over the past twenty five years, but near recent work history made it plain, plain, plain as i twisted my words to cover a coworker much like a wife may cover for a drunk. it made no sense to cover for and in a manner that only hurt me professionally. i was appalled as i watch me do it, say it, and realized at that moment i'd been covering (sans a few reality blurts) for two and one half years. crap. definitely i've made some changes since. the closer things are the harder to see. there is a trail of my no-ideas-what-i-am-doing behind me, each breaks my heart. i act like nothing hurts me, but i pretty much live there. in fact, i take almost everything in perhaps that explains my retreat to the wood (well and it is dropdead beautiful out here, peaceful, i can afford this for a time, and i've a pretty large artistic footprint). i am a pattern seer for as long as i can remember. i see patterns all around me replicating. it scares the shit out of me. it terrifies me that it may be who i am. it bends my mind and breaks my heart. i've been afraid a long time. i am tired of being afraid. i've seen what being afraid does to my life and those near. it would be nice if i knew what i was doing. i simply don't, i am too close to it all. i'll work on refining my bootstraps and all i've been told is wrong with them, then tug, tug, and start my journey again.

this all sounds quite pathetic to me. i would love to have a clear direction for my tug, tugging. each vocational change has built on the one before, but never replicated (amen), each has been a pretty definite shift yet built upon what i had already gained. my aptitudes, education and experiences are culturally valued, unfortunately this is not mimicked fiscally (oh those dang maslow hierarchy of needs). so honestly i need a total mid century plus one reboot.

here is what i do know -- i love making but it is not enough, i thrive on writing but it is not enough, i am fascinated with the creative and contemplative process and thresholds, i am endlessly curious about how we operate as humans and herds, and i am compelled to feel like whatever i do has some cultural/people relevance...a purpose larger than myself. men muddle this for me. well all of two, not like there is a long string except temporaly, or i am well versed in the intrecracies. the muddling is my own because i've a tendency to slip underwing and hover there, it feels safe. alas it really isn't in either case for me. for now i need to figure a path to blend these less touchy feely things that hold me -- making, writing, process, thresholds, agency and operants, research and purpose benefiting other. and so that is the task at hand.

perhaps what has been good might be honored

 stories twisted and gnarled, exaggerated and not, are told both to ourself and others to hold our own identities and sense of goodness and rightness intact. when the hurt and stress is enough, whatever coping mechanism is already in place will be used in the stories tell. for most, me and others, the mechanism isn't really that functional and it tends to wreck havoc and make things worse. then we each are typically compelled to  generate more staunchly the twists of stories and their lines to justify the flailing of hurt. the question I would have is can these habits of defense be laid aside and what has been good be honored and what has hurt be handled gently. 

I haven't witnessed this possibility but would find it refreshingly good while I try not to generate another story to tell of my own.

happy accidents and dirty wombs (now i've got your attention. ha)

I like happy accidents. I've always tended to follow their lead. it is the same way i approach a text or concept in art, in life. i do my homework, a tad of research, but usually i follow the tangent that arrives through accident or random synchronicity between things not expected to synch. i inwardly laughed this even as a sat in a lecture, the content approach described / presented as novel. me, i just thought everyone arrived and explored that way. i realized through the evening that no everyone does not and a guide may be necessary. typically i attend lectures because they feed sideways thinking. they help me explore more intuitively entering a topic or idea in a nonhead on way. art openings and socials really do almost nothing for my interior world, tethering or what may come of that, on the other hand, a lecture helps me find sideways links as my current thinking and the lecture mentally play back and forth. in reality this lecture i attended, or initially scheduled to attend, was almost purely for the social contact (I do love my woods but frankly I live in a de-people microforest). so just sitting between two souls that i've known for maybe twenty years, tethers me. i don't even really need to speak to them, just snuggle down in the space of knownness and let my mind flit about the lecturer's topics. the other thing that struck me as funny was that his approach to breach the threshold of knowingly unknowing in things of the spirit mirror the same threshold i advance in the process of accessing and manifesting some art object, space or event. the parallels between the mystical and the creative are so amazingly aligned. anyhow, i listened, smiled, snuggled down and enjoyed the happy accident of the verbal linking, dirty womb (now that could manifest in some typicsl kathy art)...not that he tied those two words together directly, they just jumped there on their own within my mind. ha. and actually the two words played well into the lecturer's lesson. 

i arrived at the studio afterwards and noted the instantly happy accident of the loss of a spherical orb with its remnant re-membered. it speaks to me, much in the same way the arrival of the pup has done. I'll trust these leadings and learnings. ha, the vacated space even spoke of the dirty womb--isn't that the source of so many of our ideas. they manifest in our dirty wombs (don't go literal on this comment).

things tend to arrive when they should, when they are needed. not necessarily on my timeline, but it would seem when the need is right and the niche or womb is ready.

she is not easily or immaturely moved by me. some editing is seriously due, but it is not in me

"...isn't that to say aren't each of us alone in our inner worlds..." -- Ken Gergen

i am never alone in my thoughts. of course in the above quote in full context the author (meaning is really goes on to say the opposite) goes there, for like me there is a dance, wail, fret, interact with the language of stories, the reinactments, the words, the dis-membered remembers. the stories, recollected words, reconstructed histories, push and ply me. I am not alone in my inner world, even there, you, you and you, still shape me. how i mold and remold these lingering voices and flatten polyedited memories effect each lived instance. i am never alone in my inner world. i've glimpses of solitude when i experience the most present of moments in the stillness of the singing woods, yet i am never alone in my de-peopled space because i am never alone in my inner histories and futures. 

i've a good bit of constructivist thinking in my make up. it renders the world quite gray. at the same time i've a clear inkling that our disposition, that mine, is somewhat fixed, genetically defined. but i seriously lean into constructivist relational thinking about identity, dynamics with events, spaces, things and people, and our herd behavior. i believe it sets the course for how we'ved documented and lived our histories. it shapes and can reshape each moment. I am not in fact a discrete bounded isolated object or being. 

that other, that community, generates and largely sets and resets a reflective identity, functioning as a constant self echo locating mechanism, is clear. i've watched it playout this way for as long as i can remember, even as a kid, I noted these processes. some artists speak of knowing they were an artist since they were a kid, me the one thing that's always caught my mind is human interaction. a personal area of interest, because i am a watcher, a pattern seer, even of my own behavior, is observing the effects of living in this de-peopled wood were i may go several consecutive days each week, week in and week out over the course of years without bumping or brushing another human, stranger, friend or fo. there is no water cooler or public facility in which to even pass a human entity. i can think myself one way, but until i interact with another i will not know if it is really so. just the other day, i was shocked to watch myself brush off a person who showed interest. it was not a gentle brushing. it was a clear go away. well actually, with two this occurred, one with body, indirectly, one with words, directly. the body one did not unsettle me for it was appropriate for the box that the person had chosen to put the relationship into. i simple don't fit in the specified box they outlined for me. so i cant and wont get in. so the body brush off was simply a no. the other, the worded brush off, felt cruel. i've always like the person, but they were showing a new kind of interest, the kind of interest i wanted to shut down as nonoptional. i did. i see myself as generally kind, yet my worded brush off, was bluntly unkind. even as it came out of my mouth i felt its wrongness. am i becoming less inhibited or more fragile? fragile is a serious concern. yet without regular interaction it is hard for me to read what is being altered by the de-peopled woods.

i also laugh at the disconnect of so many texts i read, they all approach change and growth relationally. so the bahahaaas comes when i think well how in the hell does one test that in my de-peopled forest or walking my mini meadow.  is pondering the growth option or behavioral options enough to make it so. it leaves little room for practice, little room for banter or discussion that the good idea may not in fact be so good. it leaves no room for test, trial, error, or adaption.

people love the idea of how and where i live. i love where i live and a big part of the how and why. i am comfortable alone with myself, yet i've discovered that extended ongoing alone, well, removes the relational dynamics for which we were designed, dynamics that ground us in the communal real.. we simply are social beings. our understanding, purpose, living is meant to be communally based at some level. a time a part and regular aloneness is healthy and needed, i like that very much. i am introverted. a temporary retreat is to be cherished. at some point though depending on personality, disposition, introvertedness, living in a de-people woods, there is untethering, an unmoaring. I don't know how the untethered unmoaring will play out in real human space long or short term. I am uninterested in fragility of being. 

ha. i've reentered the church purely to explore the social tethering that comes with human reflection from people I've brushed up against at various times for twenty years. i am unworried about offending the powers that be for she is not easily or immaturely moved by me. 

fully + ready + exact = perhaps

"Reading makes a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man.” -Francis Bacon 

I love when my students mock, I mean, express their read of my work

and affection since they send me responsive pics. I also like that their facial expressions and gestures peg the work dead on. I've always been fortunate in getting the best and most interesting students. did mention they are also funny. 

Kailey

Kaitlyn and Aubrey

too metaphorical for the Sistine chapel

there is a metaphor somewhere in this. 

clearly some scatological ones could be bantered about but it doesn't seem to resonate as even a small truth more just a silly banter. 

eventual if I put pen to page, it will come to me. 

ha. though of course I could not help but laugh as I acquired more of these spherical orbs to stitch into my work for a series that will temporarily reside within a ____(wait and see). it is an unexpected venue for my work, but if michaelangel could why not me and my nonfigurative ephemeral non-archival spheres stitched up into urban refuse, ragged like...perhaps. 

The Artist Way Creative Cluster [time to register]

Join me. Register now

The Artist Way Creative Cluster 
Facilitator: Kathryn Kelley
Thursdays, 6:00 - 9:00 pm
Begins Sept 12 (12 weeks)
Houston, TX

In this course, we will form a creative cluster in which to begin stepping past the internal and external habits that have kept our creative impulse on the back burner. Joining this cluster will be to fulfill a yearning to bring our creative impulse to the front burner. We will read and use techniques and exercises from Julia Cameron's book, The Artist Way, to excavate habits and thinking that may have kept us blocked and cultivate new ones that support our impulse to create, to express. We will move from thinking about our own creative impulse to begin acting upon it. You will be challenged to test run weekly methods from the text -- artist pages, an artist date, and other exercises. This course is based on the premise that each of us is creative by nature and that in a supportive community we can more easily begin moving from thinking about to actually doing. Whether your urge has been to write, paint, build, sculpt, cook, arrange, or plant, this group is for you and is genre independent.

The Artist Way Creative Cluster 
Facilitator: Kathryn Kelley
For all levels and genres [adults]
Thursdays, 6:00 - 9:00 pm
Begins Sept 12 (12 weeks) 
$345 plus book
Chapelwood UMC, 11140 Greenbay 77024
Williams Building 103
Group size max 12
Register with Kathy @ kk.creativehabit@gmail.com 

Over the twelve weeks we'll cover

Week One: Recovering a Sense of Safety
Key concepts: Shadow Artists, Core Negative Beliefs, Affirmations

Week Two: Recovering a Sense of Identity
Key concepts: Poisonous Playmates, Crazymakers, the Inner Critic and the Act of Attention

Week Three: Recovering a Sense of Power
Key concepts: Synchronicity, Shame and Criticism

Week Four: Recovering a Sense of Integrity
Key concepts: Writing Prayers and Media Deprivation

Week Five: Recovering a Sense of Possibility
Key concepts: Limits, Wishing and The Virtue Trap Week Six: Recovering a Sense of Abundance Key concepts: Money, Luxury, Counting and Will

Week Seven: Recovering a Sense of Connection
Key concepts: Perfectionism and Thinking ideas up vs. Getting ideas down

Week Eight: Recovering a Sense of Strength
Key concepts: Age, Time, Creative Loss and the Ivory Power

Week Nine: Recovering a Sense of Compassion
Key concepts: Enthusiasm, Creative U-turns and Blasting Through Blocks

Week Ten: Recovering a Sense of Self-Protection
Key concepts: Competition, Work, and Finding Balance

Week Eleven: Recovering a Sense of Autonomy
Key concepts: Movement and Defining Success

Week Twelve: Recovering a Sense of Faith
Key concepts: Escape Velocity and a Final Prayer

The Artist Way Creative Cluster
facilitator: Kathryn Kelley
For all levels and genres [adults]
Thursdays, 6:00 - 9:00 pm
Begins Sept 12 (12 weeks)
$345 plus book
Chapelwood UMC, 11140 Greenbay 77024
Williams Building 103
Group size max 12
Register with Kathy @ kk.creativehabit@gmail.com