sure, i know. i know. i'll work on my bootstraps, there is no other way.

i act like i know what i am doing. i think most people have this same bluff. clearly i've no idea. sure i have areas of expertise. i am pretty intuitive at some things. i get startled at what others more distant think i do well. i've only just learned in recent years that i've a tendency toward enabling. i probably saw it some over the past twenty five years, but near recent work history made it plain, plain, plain as i twisted my words to cover a coworker much like a wife may cover for a drunk. it made no sense to cover for and in a manner that only hurt me professionally. i was appalled as i watch me do it, say it, and realized at that moment i'd been covering (sans a few reality blurts) for two and one half years. crap. definitely i've made some changes since. the closer things are the harder to see. there is a trail of my no-ideas-what-i-am-doing behind me, each breaks my heart. i act like nothing hurts me, but i pretty much live there. in fact, i take almost everything in perhaps that explains my retreat to the wood (well and it is dropdead beautiful out here, peaceful, i can afford this for a time, and i've a pretty large artistic footprint). i am a pattern seer for as long as i can remember. i see patterns all around me replicating. it scares the shit out of me. it terrifies me that it may be who i am. it bends my mind and breaks my heart. i've been afraid a long time. i am tired of being afraid. i've seen what being afraid does to my life and those near. it would be nice if i knew what i was doing. i simply don't, i am too close to it all. i'll work on refining my bootstraps and all i've been told is wrong with them, then tug, tug, and start my journey again.

this all sounds quite pathetic to me. i would love to have a clear direction for my tug, tugging. each vocational change has built on the one before, but never replicated (amen), each has been a pretty definite shift yet built upon what i had already gained. my aptitudes, education and experiences are culturally valued, unfortunately this is not mimicked fiscally (oh those dang maslow hierarchy of needs). so honestly i need a total mid century plus one reboot.

here is what i do know -- i love making but it is not enough, i thrive on writing but it is not enough, i am fascinated with the creative and contemplative process and thresholds, i am endlessly curious about how we operate as humans and herds, and i am compelled to feel like whatever i do has some cultural/people relevance...a purpose larger than myself. men muddle this for me. well all of two, not like there is a long string except temporaly, or i am well versed in the intrecracies. the muddling is my own because i've a tendency to slip underwing and hover there, it feels safe. alas it really isn't in either case for me. for now i need to figure a path to blend these less touchy feely things that hold me -- making, writing, process, thresholds, agency and operants, research and purpose benefiting other. and so that is the task at hand.