if I avoid the unsightly, the inappropriate, that negates the bulk ofmy living and leaves me straining in falsetto. damn the unseemly, but iwrite.

i get stuck. the only way i know to unstick is to approach the very moment in which i reside. i do.

george is here, sitting with me in my mom's chair. i rock wedged between the big open windows of the hermitage and its fireplace. his presence, not that comfy. with his added weight, the wicker bites ridiculous patterns into my rump as i wait his leave. i hate his visits. i distract myself with the thumbing of my keypad and the muffled thrumbing morning rain on the metal roof. from here, i see that the leaves are begining to clump, cling and matt. i rock; it drizzles; i bemoan the visit. still hunting for distraction, i damn yesterday's rotten log with its belt busting force decommissioning my tractor's mulching blade. now i will have to work up the words to ask mr. bushee for a lesson in belting my banged up red babe. i am hard on my tools and toys, haranguing them to work in irregular ways. as a she-child, i did not get the useful learned lessons in machined mechanisms or their care. frankly even now, the store bought fixetties leave me wanting. the red bladed beast has returned from the shop more broken than not. huh? i paid work earned money. they alleviate her nonfunctionalness, but bang and break something new every fricking time--broken fender, dangling head light, sliced tire wall. grrrrr. superfical i suppose, but my hard wear excaberates the breaks -- front face plate recently gone as the broken fender caught hold and ripped free from a limbed clutch. admittedly i only forked over a hundred bucks for her, my divorce trophy of some poor souls' split.

my mind wanders back to george. how can it not, as he asserts himself with a fierce, unforgiving force. bastard. try as i might to avoid his impinging, he arrives with foreseeable frequence. only now has he begun to slow, stutter, and wane with the wear of age. why must he come for these excavations with his little cutting, barbaric detissuing knives? i bleed each visit. damn bastard. a week early from his habit, he sits with me in this chair. sit still or rock, he cramps me. this fall he has toyed, failing, fluttering and fluctuating in his visits, as though to leave me. i am ready for him to be gone. i yearn for the flat lake calm that will settle with the absence of his hormonally driven storms. perhaps i will be less of a woman in his wake. i've premourned his leaving for sometime -- fretting my fading femininity. he has had his damn stay for near thirty nine and three quarter years! i am ready for him to be gone. bastard.

[perimenapausal dark humor...in case i was unclear]