I am not a plumber.

But today I am!


Well i guess NOT since i removed the parts to put on new ones and the pipe coming out of the wall is actually broken. BOX THAT!

I awaken.

i have been invited to be party to my own life, to step into the light, fully awake and engage. i can just taste the sun dappling through the shadows of the trees upon my lips as it slowly dries the salt streams

to choose presence, i explore ways in which i have denied joy, denied being party to my own life, denied being kathy, denied presence. it is as though a gentle hand prods and rocks me in a good way

kathryn
it is time
it is time
to wake up
to come
fully outside
into the sun
and dance

in solitude, in quiet, i hear this still quiet voice which calls me by name, calls me "my beloved" and i know that i must make my way into the presence of wakefulness, engagement, light and life.

i stir.

Choosing Joy

Joy is what makes life worth living, but for many joy seems hard to find. They complain that their lives are sorrowful and depressing. What then brings the joy we so much desire? Are some people just lucky, while others have run out of luck? Strange as it may sound, we can choose joy. Two people can be part of the same event, but one may choose to live it quite differently than the other. One may choose to trust that what happened, painful as it may be, holds a promise. The other may choose despair and be destroyed by it.

What makes us human is precisely this freedom of choice.

These reflection is taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.

I am working on joy.

I was surprised to see I had invited myself into my own life.

I have drawn a lot of strength from my shadows and often have I hidden in their cast, but now I am inviting me to be party to my own life, to step into the light. How do I be alive, fully awake? How do I engage that? This is what I am working on.

a mini interview.

Sean Carroll's video/interview during in the space of absence

Some other links about the show (more to come)

photos of show
up to the sky's blog

some views of installing in the space of absence

but my little camera phone images don't speak to scale or smell...work is totally different when actually experienced in its presence.

in the space of absence
January 23 – February 28, 2009
Opening Reception Friday, January 23, 2009 from 6:30 – 8:30 PM
Artist talks at 6:00 PM


my own lies swallow me.
Tubes, baling wire, wood, cinder blocks
78 x 108. 2008


the fracture between us yawns as a cavern
so wide I close my eyes and feel the bruise of soul.
tubes, baling wire, wood, cinder blocks.
Size varies. 2009


in the space of absence :: i lied, i lied again,
and i forgot how to come home
Tubes, steel. 192 x 90 x 120. 2009


what is it that i have that i was not given.
78 x 108. 2007

Lawndale Art Center is located at 4912 Main Street in the Museum District, just north of Hermann Park and the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston. We are easily accessible from downtown Houston, the Medical Center , HWY 59 and HWY 288.

4912 Main Street
Houston, TX 77002

Gallery Hours
Monday thru Friday 10am - 5pm
Saturday 12pm - 5pm
Closed on Sundays


treading where no one hears the echoes of my footfall.
Tubes, baling wire, wood, cinder blocks
78 x 108. 2009


in the space of absence :: i obliterated that which I have loved.
Tubes liners, wood, cinderblocks
78 x 108. 2009

Almost

I am almost ready to come up for air and welcome the sun. I think I will breathe deeply Friday around 6:31.

The Still, Small Voice of Love

Many voices ask for our attention. There is a voice that says, "Prove that you are a good person." Another voice says, "You'd better be ashamed of yourself." There also is a voice that says, "Nobody really cares about you," and one that says, "Be sure to become successful, popular, and powerful." But underneath all these often very noisy voices is a still, small voice that says, "You are my Beloved, my favor rests on you." That's the voice we need most of all to hear. To hear that voice, however, requires special effort; it requires solitude, silence, and a strong determination to listen.

That's what prayer is. It is listening to the voice that calls us "my Beloved."

-------------

The Voice in the Garden of Solitude

Solitude is the garden for our hearts, which yearn for love. It is the place where our aloneness can bear fruit. It is the home for our restless bodies and anxious minds. Solitude, whether it is connected with a physical space or not, is essential for our spiritual lives. It is not an easy place to be, since we are so insecure and fearful that we are easily distracted by whatever promises immediate satisfaction. Solitude is not immediately satisfying, because in solitude we meet our demons, our addictions, our feelings of lust and anger, and our immense need for recognition and approval. But if we do not run away, we will meet there also the One who says, "Do not be afraid. I am with you, and I will guide you through the valley of darkness."

Let's keep returning to our solitude.

This reflections are taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.

Upcoming artist talks with me doing some of the talking.

Opening Night of in the space of absence
Friday, January 23
6 pm
Lawndale Art Center

Looking at Art (private event)
Wednesday, January 28
8 pm
Lawndale Art Center

SpeakEasy sponsored by Spacetaker.org (public)
Wednesday, February 18
6:30 pm
Lawndale Art Center

five.

possibly a four though or a five with a strong four component or a four with a strong five component. i am learning.

load 'em up, move 'em out, install 'em

break out the camera phone. snap. click. now pass out from moving about 2000 lbs of tubes in a day...even with 6 men helping, this chica is exhausted.


Yes. The movers dropped this monstrosity. Tore it.
And created a general dishevel (of course only i can tell).
Thankful we didn't break any people.






Yes. When you tell movers not to grab it by the sticky outy sticks and tell them they are not structural, the first thing they do is test that and break the sticky outy sticks????? hm. ok, but it was so heavy that even with 6 men and a chica, we weren't too sure we were going to be able to get it in the doors without killing someone--was a definite possibility.


And this by far was the heaviest piece.
Yes, I believe the movers were cursing me in spanish!



AND MUCH MORE...You all are welcome to come join me Friday night.

in the space of absence
Opening at Lawndale Art Center
Friday, January 23, 2009

Artist Talks 6 pm
Opening 6:30 to 8:30 pm

4912 Main Street
Houston, TX 77002

Regular Gallery Hours
Monday thru Friday 10am - 5pm
Saturday 12pm - 5pm
Closed on Sundays

what kind of chica makes work with huge stink, this kind!
chica standing in BOX 13 ArtSpace courtyard surrounded by her stinky, freshly harvested remnant tubes

about all the sewing i can do for the day.

a few elements that will be going in the exhibition in the space of absence


bad images from camera phone. five foot pod of about 15 pods.


worked on finalizing this piece


kept sewing and began stuffing....

in the space of absence

pieces are coming together. almost there and ready for the show. titling is complete but may be a bit to raw.

In the space of absence | Kathy Kelley
Lawndale Art Center | John M. O'Quinn Gallery

January 23 – February 28, 2009
Opening Reception Friday, January 23, 2009 from 6:30 – 8:30 PM
Artist talks at 6:00 PM

Lawndale Art Center is located at 4912 Main Street in the Museum District, just north of Hermann Park and the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston. We are easily accessible from downtown Houston, the Medical Center , HWY 59 and HWY 288.

4912 Main Street
Houston, TX 77002

Gallery Hours
Monday thru Friday 10am - 5pm
Saturday 12pm - 5pm
Closed on Sundays

in the space of absence

work coming along for exhibition opening in lawndale art center's o'quinn gallery friday, january 23 6:30-8:30. artist talks are at 6 pm the same evening.


in process but almost there. 12' x 7' and several hundred pounds of tubes.

still sewing but on a new frame...

Will I be able to taste the scent of the forest?

Will you come with me to the mountains?
It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened.
Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows.
But will you come?

C.S. Lewis

sewing on work for in the space of absence

working on the (w)hole of the lie a series of vacant pod like structures for my exhibition in the space of absence opening at Lawndale Art Center this January 23, 2009.

the dust is kicked up as the cleaning proceeds

my poor studio has become a tire grunge dust bucket. i am attempting a surgical strike at removing the filth, i have loaded up the truck with the equivalent of studio amputations that will head for some hazardous disposal unit. it may require me to drive my truck in and just leave it for fear its contents may crawl back out. BUT i can now see the floor of my studio, this is a good thing.

ARTCRAWL
Saturday, November 22, 2008
10 am to 8 pm
BOX 13 ArtSpace
open studios and gallery
6700 Harrisburg (77011)

in the space of absence coming to lawndale january 23, 2009

i am currently working on a piece abstracted from a visual in my mind of a mama pig being suckled. thinking once again about the infantile nature of our wanting and taking...that big sucking sound i hear...

in the space of absence travels

to Nuevo Laredo as part of artCRUSH curated by Hector Hernandez, Michael Anthony García and Salvador Castillo

as did the piece clawing for eden. A big thank you to Hector, Jaime and Michael as well as the City of Nuevo Laredo for the opportunity.

stitching and sewing like a mad dog

stitching and sewing like a mad dog in preparation for my show, in the space of absence, that opens at Lawndale Art Center January 23, 2009.




large square nipples (the interior) in process.

freedom dwindles.

When language becomes exhausted, our freedom dwindles—we cannot think; we do not recognize danger; injustice strikes us as no more than “the way things are.”

Madeleine L'Engle

to affirm meaning

to hear a melody and set the notes down for a string quartet (to make), is to affirm meaning, despite all the ambiguities and tragedies and misunderstanding which surrounds us

Madeleine L'Engle

you must once and for all give up being worried about successes and failures. Don't let that concern you. It's your duty to go on working steadily day by day, quite quietly, to be prepared for mistakes, which are inevitable, and for failures.

Tchekov

a good day

it's not too hot and the sun is shining. it is a good day. i like good days.

rebellion?

Some one said to me today in regards to me

that i am
brave to fight my terror
that i am
forthright to fight my hypocrisy

this feels right and then they asked about my rebellion and i don't know the answer. i do know that i rebel. but i think all these concepts/feelings/behaviors tie together bravery and terror, forthrightness and hypocrisy. they seem to be both the light and dark side of my rebellion. i say dark and light because some rebellion is needed, is good, especially in our culture which as a whole distracts, diverts and pacifies us from actually paying attention to what is happening around us--so that we do not rebel. so rebellion in me is needed, but it also is destructive when i rebel against good things within me and others, when i rebel as a defense from an imaginary foe.

am i rebellious to fight artificial constructs of oppression both culturally and within my self?
am i rebellious to hide my fear, my terror?
where does my rebellion come from?
how do i use it for good? how do i stop using it as a shield, a deflection, against others and myself?

i stand in the rubble of my crumbled tower.

I heard the quote below and it resonated with my current condition. I have been a good vulcan, a good cyborg, i have told myself that i know, that i understand, that i am certain, that i am in control, that i am rational and that i am autonomous. and i know that this is the lie i tell myself. this wall of knowing, understanding, certainty, control, rationality and autonomy has coming crashing down around me. it hurst like hell. but this crumbling of my tower is good. this tower i've built out of these things isolates me, keeps me from being known and knowing others, myself and god. it prevents me from connecting, from belonging. in this moment when i find the rubble around my feet, i will try not to rebuild this tower, this wall. i will try and allow for being scared, being sad, being afraid, and to allow myself to cry SO THAT i may be known and know others, myself, and god, that i may connect, that i may belong. i have discovered that i can't be a vulcan. my tower that has crumbled wasn't keeping me safe anyway, it was only keeping me alone.

It's all a front, a great big game of pretend

inside we are terribly scared
inside we are terribly sad
inside we are terribly afraid

we found a way to cover our fears
we found a way to cover our sadness
we found a way not to have to cry

to always pretend that we are certain
to always pretend that we are right
to always pretend that we are in control
to always pretend that we understand

but we know better inside
but at this point we have almost begun to believe the lie ourselves

Fr. Richard

view from my rocking chair

Oh the view.
that i loved deeply and had rich friendships
that i helped others find deeper meaning on their own paths
that i was not afraid to laugh or cry
that i knew joy
that i was not afraid of hardship and change

yes and from my rocking chair i would still like to be making art and writing and mentoring and loving, but not in isolation but that i would be connected to others, to myself, to god

that i took time to walk, to feel the sun on my face
that i gave myself in love
that i gently and givingly held my love with care
that i did not hoard my love, energy, mind, or soul
that i had gratitude for both the gifts and hardships

that as i rock i would still be able to breathe in joy, know connection

art is important but it is nothing in comparison to love and life

so what is my BHAG (big hairy audacious goal)
to love richly and givingly

how does one generate emotional capital to make changes

this is what i am working on...generating emotional capital. it cannot be generated in a day or a week. it took a long time to destabilize my accounts by the choices I've made or been afraid to make and now i must recover the emotional capital to make changes in my life. i believe i can secure this emotional capital needed to move me into a space of belonging, that space where i can walk in joy, and that gives me the freedom and desire to partner out of strength. but it will take me some time, some opening of myself, risk taking and practice to lay hold of this capital and to not let it slide through my fingers because they become slick with the sweat of fear. but i believe it is in me, that the strengths is already there, i just have to relearn how to use it, to exercise it. i believe that time is not a deal breaker, but in fact allows for healing and growth both for me and those i love. each of us must do some of our own work so that we can move forward and then at the right time work with our partner aiding one other over the bumps that take more than one in this path called life.

i continue to look at the role of making, writing, mentoring and loving in my life. and looking at how to grow in the areas that have atrophied and trust the areas that are strong.

quoting from my own journey into becoming ...

I have reached that space in life where my strength of ego and self-will allow me, draw me, to take the risk of “becoming.” Becoming who I am, not that self defined by “shoulds.” Change is difficult. Self sabotage common. Yet, I am moving into that self that has been simmering below my surface for a very long time.

I am consumer, lover of stuff.
I am female, pink appeals.
I am forty-four, decay has begun.
I am visual, language challenged.
I am seeker, life teaches.
I am designer, anally fixated.
I am watcher, society astounds.
I am pattern seer, micro macro, macro micro.
I am dysfunction, I function.
I am spiritual, Christ calls.
I am tactile, let me touch it.
I am American, arrogance assumed.

This surfaced self binds together the fragments of my many selves into a unit, into a whole. And as I step into this whole/fragmented self...I find myself. Deep satisfaction. Maturation.

My should self has never known passion. My ... self has been safe. An electric current of fear courses through me as passion moves to the forefront. Art informs my design. Design informs my art. AND ALL THESE GOD USES TO INFORM AND TRANSFORM MY LIFE. I step to the edge of change and waiver there. The safe and unsafe are merging and I am becoming. (2005)

-----

NOT TO BE SAFE

I step to the edge of change and wavier there until my own demons pull me back. No. I choose to follow them back. I give myself over. Change is screaming to me and I know it is what I need, what I want. What I CRAVE!

Simultaneously, the lure of safe sameness calls to me, beckoning me back from the edge, yet I find that my toes curl tightly to this edge. I am stretched, torn, yet, I am not returning to the safe sameness! I will process the fear, redirect it. I am not beating my head on the same wall, or at least it looks different, feels different...is different?

What is not different are the demons. They are not new. Every time I step into/toward change, they approach me­—steal my thoughts, riveting them on old fears. I require, demand, to push through, not to give in, NOT TO BE SAFE.

I have chosen not to dream, but now they break over me in a rushing onslaught. Not the dream of sleep have I fled, but the dream of future-casting. And now I taste the dream rolling across the back of my tongue and it scares the hell out of me! (2006)

As scared as I am of my dreams and to move away from safety, I cannot allow myself to be swallowed by fear. It is no longer an option to be paralyzed by fear, it is no longer an option to allow my roots to remain thirsty, but i must also understand that within myself the cultivation of emotional capital to change requires more than a week or two and i must be willing to do the work.

what is grief?

it swells in my soul and i can not contain it. where does it come from? where does it go? i grieve.

the big picture

i know making, writing, mentoring and loving are part of who i am.

1. MAKING allows me to discover things
   about my world and self that would
   otherwise remain submerged and unattainable;
   it brings me joy, dirt and laughter
   
2. MENTORING (teaching) gets me outside of myself,
   teaches me, helps me unlearn what doesn't belong;
   it brings me delight and purpose
   
3. WRITING connects me through silence to my self,
   God, the world and others; helps me remember
   who I am and am becoming and how i fit;
   it brings me faith; it reveals my wounds;
   it opens me
   
4. LOVING fills my body and soul,
   it connects my fragments of being
   it gives me the desire to both give and receive;
   it strengthens me; it brings me hope.

When i neglect any of these, my life, who i am, limps. or when i get to focused on how to eat and forget to walk, i limp. To walk in my own skin and know joy, i must attend to making, writing, mentoring and loving and not overlook the details of eating but not focus on it either. And so now i must walk my path in my own skin, take steps toward eating*, and i must attend. it may take me a while to figure out how to do these things, but i will.

*eating refers to the daily details of things i need to do in order to have food, shelter and such.