ingrained before she entered in

nothing she does
mends that which ravels
each string she has tugged
only rends further
what she would have set right

everything was far more fragile
than any of them could have imagined

Harvested

1 Corinthians 6:1-7

does it make me a hypocrite to refer to a scripture at all? probably.

hypocrisy is not a new thing for me
is it new to you

Hmmm finished previous post then this shows up in my inbox a few hours later

I used to say, that if I ever wrote a book, its title would be Nothing Truly Radical Happens After Age Six, Except Grace (Now many books later, at least two of them now have the word grace in the title.) Grace, that experience of unconditional acceptance and unearned love, breaks through our entire system of defenses and denials and can change anything at any age. Really!

All of Christian life could be described as an ever-deeper encounter between our wounded inner child (which we all have to some degree) and the wondrous world of gratuity and grace. Grace can bring us back to the radix, our roots, and reset the foundation, where sometimes even the worst thing becomes the best thing! That’s why we say grace is radical. “Radical Grace” empowers us to shuck off the fatalistic system and become free and fresh beginners again, with a new foundation built on mercy instead of any kind of merit.

Adapted from Radical Grace: Daily Meditations, p. 388, day 403 (Source: The Spiritual Family and the Natural Family)

Forgiveness is a gift

Forgiveness is a gift
it is not earned
A pardon may be earned
unlike the gift of forgiveness

Forgiveness is not pretending
that a wrong hurtful act(s)
did not occur

It is grounded in reality

Forgiveness does not erase consequences
though it may alter the course of consequences
both for the forgiven and forgiver

It makes room for a new direction

The God who forgives
does so not academically
from a distance
He enters in
with the undeserving
and calls them,
calls me by name
calls you by name

Forgiveness is an intimate offering

Forgiveness is not about
the enforcement of the law
or about the dictation of
what the consequences
"should" be

It is unjust

Forgiveness is mercy and grace
to the undeserving

Forgiveness brings healing

Forgiveness requires courage
of the giver in gifting
mercy and grace
to the undeserving

Forgiveness requires courage
of the undeserving
to accept unmerited
mercy and grace

I need to continue
learning
practicing
expanding
offering
experiencing forgiveness
in both the
giving and receiving

regardless of fault

that i forgive
myself

that i forgive
others

that i accept
receive
believe
the forgiveness
i am offered

that i keep forgiving
over and over
for as long as i am able

that i keep accepting
over and over
for as long as i am able

forgiveness, giving and receiving,
is the only thing worth focusing
my energies
my mind
my actions
on at this point

i believe the one who calls
calls me by name
would have this of me
it is the best i can do right now

it is all i could muster yesterday
it is all i can muster today
i hope it is what i muster tomorrow

forgiveness.

---

anger
blame
shame
defense
offense
rationalization
justification
judgment
enforcement
punishment
wrath

at self or others
are of no value to my soul
they serve no one

they only hurt
me
they only hurt
others
they only cause
hurt

---

i so suck at silence
but i really do try
no matter what others think
i do try

---

i so suck at word usage as well
"irregardless" of my intent

"...I once saw God’s mercy as patient, benevolent tolerance, a form of grudging forgiveness. Now it is apparent to me that Mercy is a divine understanding, a loving allowing, a willing “breaking of the rules” by the One who made the rules, a loving wink and smile, a firm and joyful taking of our hand—while we waste time clutching at our sins and gazing at God in desire and disbelief"

Adapted from Radical Grace: Daily Meditations, pp 185 – 186, day 198 (Source “A Church Unashamed to Be Leaven and Salt”)

i try to follow his rules

i try to follow his rules
i try to follow them and keep his silence
so instead of communicating when
it makes sense; when it would be natural
to resolve things that come up in this horrible process,
dispel misunderstandings, get clarification, reduce fear
i hold it in; i stuff it per the required rules
then it leaks out through written correspondence
and by the time it leaks out
it is never pretty

it would be better just to have straight forward
communication

communication is a good thing
especially amidst painful processes

texts, emails, and the written word
are only good for processing but
not for communicating.
they often lead me
to misunderstanding
and misexpression
and deep hurt.

true communication occurs
when two sit down together
and talk WITH one another--
speaking and listening,
hearing the words, the body, the soul
and speaking in kind.

communications is a better way
then rules of silence and avoidance
which make things far worse

the rules of silence and avoidance
didn't work in the marriage
why would they work in its dissolution

Building

Again

Bridging the Gap Between People

To become neighbours is to bridge the gap between people. As long as there is distance between us and we cannot look in each other's eyes, all sorts of false ideas and images arise. We give them names, make jokes about them, cover them with our prejudices, and avoid direct contact. We think of them as enemies. We forget that they love as we love, care for their children as we care for ours, become sick and die as we do. We forget that they are our brothers and sisters and treat them as objects that can be destroyed at will. Only when we have the courage to cross the street and look in one another's eyes can we see there that we are children of the same God and members of the same human family.

reflection are taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.

Who Is My Neighbor?

"Love your neighbour as yourself" the Gospel says (Matthew 22:38). But who is my neighbor? We often respond to that question by saying: "My neighbors are all the people I am living with on this earth, especially the sick, the hungry, the dying, and all who are in need." But this is not what Jesus says. When Jesus tells the story of the good Samaritan (see Luke 10:29-37) to answer the question "Who is my neighbor?" he ends the by asking: "Which, ... do you think, proved himself a neighbor to the man who fell into the bandits' hands?" The neighbour, Jesus makes clear, is not the poor man laying on the side of the street, stripped, beaten, and half dead, but the Samaritan who crossed the road, "bandaged his wounds, pouring oil and wine on them, ... lifted him onto his own mount and took him to an inn and looked after him." My neighbor is the one who crosses the road for me!

reflections are taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.

i am a little slow, but i got it now

I am aware of what is--it was dramatically spelled out for me in silence and avoidance for six months, in documents I received this week, in the rare email and text message sent when i didn't seem to get it. I got it. I got it. I am a little slow on the uptake, but I got it now. It was made clear that what i thought, never was. The yellow that flutters its welcome evaporates into the delusion it is.

somethings just make sense when i read them, seeming as a natural rhythm

Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.

chalkboards primed, painted and ready for chalk

four boards 3x8' each
ready for thinking, processing, and erasing

I haven't seen mama dove in awhile so dont know that eggs are viable

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feet of shadows closes end of day July 4.

feet of shadows trudge this space of absence
solo exhibition of new works by Kathy Kelley
extended through July 4


the fear was hidden behind…, remnant tires, baling wire, on stands of remnant chandelier understructures, 2009

G Gallery
301 E 11th St
Houston, TX 77008
(713) 869-4770

Another sweet spot in the Chronicle in context with John Chamberlain John Chamberlain influence is seen around town (that includes me :-) )
By DOUGLAS BRITT

Living Art interview KPFT 90.1 with Kathy Kelley, Michael Woodson, and Marcela Descalzi

Emerging artist's life has taken many turns | Fine Arts | Houston Chronicle Made the Houston Chronicle, written by DOUGLAS BRITT.

ok

letting go.

marriages that survive relational trauma

Distillation on my drive to Lubbock of what I have witnessed and what couples have reported to me or friends of mine in terms of successful rebuilding of marriages after marital trauma.

1. relational trauma in terms of betrayal does not determine whether a marriage can be rebuilt.
2. relational trauma sends all parties to the hospital for major surgery and has long term consequences for everyone involved (whether the couple chooses to remain together or separate)

In marriages that are built anew (not going backwards or pretending the trauma/betrayal did not occur or that there are no consequences) and made stronger, the following is what I believe to be the common denominators and yes it puts a lot on the shoulder’s of the betrayed. But we've all experienced that life is often unfair as are the actions and inactions of those who hurt us and those we are hurt by.

the capacity to forgive

the capacity of the betrayed to forgive
(consciously or unconsciously)
himself for wounds he believes
he has inflicted through his own
action or inaction on his partner;
the betrayed's capacity to forgive the offender;
secondarily, the capacity of offender
to acknowledge and forgive herself
for her actions and inactions
that wounded her partner;
the capacity of the offender to forgive
their partner for perceived wounds
inflicted by her partner through the
partnership

capacity to accept and receive acts of love

The capacity of the betrayed to accept and
receive acts of love from the offender.
The capacity of the offender to accept and
receive acts of love from the betrayed.

I am sure the complexity is far greater than this but at a fundamental level these are the patterns I observe in those who chose to move forward together and build a strong restorative marriage--these also seem to be the patterns of marriages i have witnessed that are strong sans any major relational trauma.

Not observed, but assumed based on my life experience to also be considered is each partner’s capacity to own their own crap and actually do the work to move themselves toward the healing of life wounds.

I also believe even if the marriage is dissolved, healing and the non-repetition of wounding behaviors come to those who exercise and expand these capacities.

I also believe these capacities even without an incident of major betrayal to be building blocks of a strong marriage because everyday there are little betrayals, perceived or actual, that need to be dealt with.

God please give me the ability to exercise and to expand these capacities within myself.

recover or repeat

cannot recover alone

Obviously the degree to which we are both
drastically varies in each soul
and varies over time

I have never met a perpetrator who became such a lone.
I have never met a victim who became such a lone
I have never met a victim who was not also a perpetrator,
even if only to oneself.
I have never met a perpetrator who was not also a victim

We, I, cannot recover alone-this is the hope Christ offers,
this i believe is one of the purposes of the cross-
"solidarity for the victim AND atonement for the perpetrator
and the hope of embrace"*

Distillation from a quote by *Jurgen Moltmann

Wind farms as far as i can see in route to Lubbuck
-Kathy

Bales of hay as far as i can see

OUCHY. Ok don't slide down a stack of cinder blocks bare legged...this rubble was not metaphorical...ouchy
-Kathy

five diet cokes and counting

it is a good time to have diet coke as my primary vice. when i resume my journey i will need to wean myself from this vice. for now though, it is a better choice then alcohol.

destroying the tower

i read chapter 10 of Wild at Heart last night. i cried while i read it because i have always been told this would never happen for me, that it was psychologically unhealthy and any semblance of it would be denied. so decades ago i agreed to that--it had a certain logic, we had been told it was just so by professionals who just "knew." i never asked for it and denied my own need for it. last year i asked for help. this year i didn't ask for it, i only asked if i was worthy of it. i cried. i wasn't answered except by an intermediary who spoke in place of the one of whom i had asked the question. i reread my writings and what is in that chapter is written all over my blog, but it was not mine to be had. it was seen as unhealthy and faithless. though i believed what i was told, i had to tear down, destroy, crush my own tower, so that i could live. i could not stay in my tower any longer it was closing in on me. and no one was coming to help me down. i decimated my tower. and now i wipe the dust from my own face and ask my girl friends to help put ointment on my wounds from the crumbling of my own tower. they do. there is no good way to crumble one's own tower while one remains inside it. there is no good way to get down without help. and i destroyed the tower of my making. but now i stand up with the help of my girl friends and the one who calls me to stand up; i pick up my mat, and walk to the spring because i need to sink into its waters and be cleansed and be reminded that i am beautiful, i am precious, so that i am prepared and have the fortitude to continue my journey. i wanted you to come help me down from my tower. i wanted you to walk by my side. i wanted you to come with me to the healing spring. i wanted you to come with me on this journey. i wanted you JK.

i hope someday i will be forgiven for destroying my own tower in which i was trapped for it's destruction crushed those who stood near; it crushed you; it crushed those whom i loved.

Exhibition extended through July 3

feet of shadows trudge this space of absence
solo exhibition of new works by Kathy Kelley
extended through July 3

G Gallery
301 E 11th St
Houston, TX 77008
(713) 869-4770

Another sweet spot in the Chronicle in context with John Chamberlain John Chamberlain influence is seen around town (that includes me :-) )
By DOUGLAS BRITT

Living Art interview KPFT 90.1 with Kathy Kelley, Michael Woodson, and Marcela Descalzi

Emerging artist's life has taken many turns | Fine Arts | Houston Chronicle Made the Houston Chronicle, written by DOUGLAS BRITT.

i stand up, pick up my mat, and walk

Words That Become Flesh

"Words are important. Without them our actions lose meaning. And without meaning we cannot live. Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.

Jesus is the word made flesh. In him speaking and acting were one."

These reflections are taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.

Growing into the Truth We Speak

"Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble."

These reflections are taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey.