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calling a spade a spade is actually the most unfortunate of gifts. always been a watcher, seen the patterns, watched things come, play out.

oh crap.

watching, seeing, understanding doesn't actually mean I have any clue as to how to right my own boat, move it into a harbor where I might belong, where I am asset. I listen to what I teach my students, know it to be true and am simply unable to implement it in the real space of life. quite frankly, I don't give a rats ass about teaching art (not totally true, but in principle). I facilitate, equip, a process of ongoing listening to life, to materials, to other, to culture, to language, etc., deconstructing, looking beyond, self reflecting, harvesting, collaborating, testing, adapting, doing, becoming. fundamentally all that seems important to me are the students' movement in finding their way. though it plays out in their art, it is not about their art. the art a mere byproduct of what i do, a microcosm of their trial, a residue of their process, the same as in my own life. I taught science for many years, faith for more, now art. I see no difference in what I am doing. at the core, the methods of science, faith and art are functionally the same. if the process of what I am doing in the classroom, the church, the studio assists the other to be a better friend, or worker, to be a better partner, to adapt to life in a way that is a little more open, in a manner that assists a smile to playout across their lips and tug at their hearts that they can then share, then I will have done what really matters. if their life is better (whatever that means) because I opened them to find their own healthier way, then I should not stop. is this why I allow myself to be used or am I just a coward too afraid to move? do i hover here because i am suppose to be here in this place, at this time, or is something all together different playing out within me? I simply find myself paralyzed in terms of moving for my own benefit. I don't understand and feel blind in this area. Maslow's hierarchy of needs clearly indicates I that I must move for my benefit to ensure the base levels are provided for. but I don't move. am not doing what I need to. future casting falls by the way side. I don't like being afraid.