2012 day 17 | yummmmmmm the blue oar

fun as well.

2012 day 17 | honestly I can't think if any moment more sweet

than when I've worked myself to utter exhaustion under the trees canopies--hard work, shirt clinging with sweat, not a clean spot on me, even profusely bug bitten, I've known no greater moments of joy. there are things that come damn close--the laugh of a god daughter, the ruffle of hair an affectionate delight, an arrugula salad with a steak medium rare, my dad's eye crinkling twinkle, and that moment were you've taught yourself out of a job because the students catch fire. why working hard, being drenched in sweat and gunk suspended just above the forest floor precariously does this for me, is something I really can't decipher (I've tried). I just know it brings me moments of pure joy. now to figure out how to give myself over to it in a way I can physically and fiscally sustain. alright, get back to the grunge you say you love kathy.

2012 day something or other | do you think they'd know it was mine if Ileft it

I glanced down the trail I trundled in on and in the distance saw this gray flaccid creature lethargically laying there in the road. oops. I guess I should retrieve it. though it looks so comfortably slothfully sedate in the dancing dappling light trapped and trickled by the trees canopies. I may be loosing it since I find that its just laying there is of such great appeal. to retrieve or simply to lay down in the light by it. oh bother.

2012 day 17 | life flight me my @$))@ diet coke

in a moment of weakness, I failed to replenish my stash. what was I thinking!? aaagggh besides art making, it's my only true vice.

2012 day 16 | a bit of temp outrigging (I don't want to die or be maimed) and some tubular manifestations begun

siphon that! should evolve quite a bit. I've only just begin tubifying to the current tune of about 200-250 pds so far. hope she holds! always does since I tend to over build.

2012 day 16 | really! life doesnt get much more wonderful than

stitching tubes in the woods in a light rain while balancing tippedy toedy in steel tip boots upon a narrow board strung between two ladders over a tick invest lush undulating green forest floor. gosh I think I am absolutely not going to consider what that says about me.

2012 day 16 | like Yves Klein, my favorite color is blue

with goo (tanglefoot trap stick goop). oh happy day with my blue bubba keg cup slathered in forest stick to em fly goop! in theory your suppose to mount the blue cup on your hat (no snipe hunting involved) lathered in the goop. it totally works. zzzzzz bump dead silence; one walk to the house and of a collection of about 40 of what appear to br the same species! oh thank you thank you for testing the system ms Thessia! you are oh so worthy!

2012 day 16 | re-engagement to the task of being connected, to beingawake. it is now safe to move about the cabin.

the line between engagement and disengagement is very narrow for me--the same tasks that move me toward attentive responsiveness and strength, particularly writing and making, may easily be co-opted by my Eeyore hemisphere of mind sending me plummeting into a state of "oh bothers." sometimes, with the shifting moon, my mind is functioning purely under the influence and not from it's potential Eeyore conditioning and not of alcohol, but the waning fluctuating chemistry of femininity. I'd say tmi but the realities of its turbulence are a bit much to sweep under--damn right of passage into the circles of my grand girl friends. I find this chemical induction extremely problematic and wish my body would just get on with it. though the fertile crescent of youth was hampered by a little emotional ride cyclical in pattern, it was by far nothing compared to being freaking damn perimenapausal. :$"#**>>€%#!!!<{%%¥*!

the books, the research, the emerging contemplative movement in the church, creative pursuits, all suggest listening to the body as a major part of the path to being connected, awake. damn. that's all hunky doory when I am not operating under the influence! today the chemical imbalance has diminished, the captain has turned off the seatbelt sign and it is now safe to move about the cabin. wheels down. time to re-engage with living.

2012 day 15 | a third of a days stitchery cut

a hand held sized unit of tie wire cuts down to about 2 maybe 3 hours of stitchery slivers...or so. I'll cut one more roll tonight. stitching time.

2012 omg day 15 | leveled and temporary outriggers in place (sponsoredtoday by the letter F)

a bit time consuming but table is somewhat level (with the help of Mason) and I added outriggers to my floating forest tabletop so that while I work her udders, she does not flale, flounder, falling forcefully and FLATTENing ME. why is doing what I love exhausting? oh that's right because I am compelled, relative to my frame, to work so freaking large!

ohhh. look at the pretty tick invested lush grasses. I stink. quit thumbing your phone and get to work...7 days. tick tock.

view down from my thrown (oops throne. interesting)

2012 day 13 | oh ponder.

oh formal pondering of shifted space. the wood door elements seem to match the tree trunk girth in scale. hmmmmm too much sameness not enough contrast? oh ponder before I hang several 100 pds of rubber.

2012 day 14 | hey where did my stuff go

naturally. into the woods. almost time for stitch, stitching.

2012 day 14 | forcing the corners up, I begin another day

I expect someday, if I keep remembering to push the corners upward, they will curve that way of their own accord. it seems a job to which only I can be charged. I gather myself for curving and I curve, when I want and when I do not, when my energy wanes and my feet find in the narrowed green between wheeled and foot trafficed the old water meter's recessing into which I step. this practice of upward corner curving, perhaps it is pretend but I hope it is something more. corners will curve. I curve. now I will cut rebar and weld as well and hurry to my stitch, stitching.

July 4, 2012
THE PERFECTION OF PATIENCE

Patience is not learned in safety. It is not learned when everything is harmonious and going well. When everything is smooth sailing, who needs patience? If you stay in your room with the door locked and the curtains drawn, everything may seem harmonious, but the minute anything doesn’t go your way, you blow up. There is no cultivation of patience when your pattern is to just try to seek harmony and smooth everything out. Patience implies willingness to be alive rather than trying to seek harmony.

--Teachings by Pema Chödrön, from works published by Shambhala Publications.

this seems important to me.

2012 day 13 | I miss things and my beast and my dad!

2012 day 13 | murdering. yum.

2012 day 12 | float that! waaawhooo

discombobulate table legs and attach;
design rebar tire tube holding table hook in;
disassemble (omg) and transport to site;
lacify tubes;
stitch, siitch;
foot document on forest floor;
show off (July 14);
disassemble and load in my truck;
drive home;
unload;
reload;
transport;
install;
oh daunt me and wear me out you floating forest tabletop composed of domestic thresholds!!!
:D!

2012 day 12 | bum sitting, BIG BUTings, feminine framed fatiguing and torquing

begin to synch into meaningful makings. ummm. though table top frame just swung up with the weight of test clamped on leg...oops. there goes gravity having its way with my work! no harm.

2012 day 13 | oh my BIG BUT, she is problematic no matter that ibalance her cheekly on the edge plummeting neither to nor fro

consume line after line of text, scratch pen across slick unlined weighted page, thumb out cyber friendships, submit-update-edit-update, repost after repost of blog entries, tilt digital-capture-do-everything-device and click another world, I only really note on screen, click, upload, join it to some thoughts, post, share, compulsive check for its liking, this may occur while I am upright bipedaling myself along a trail, in the shade, mostly though this all takes place with my bum fully reclined in my cheap multicolored (ouch) portable low slung chair. the chair moves about a bit has having strong locational habits, like its master--floating pond dock as morning burns off, just inside studio with door flung open, in-out in-out in-out again of barn dependent on the depth of heat from the kiss of the sun or the degree to which the sky leaks. I sit. a lot. sun glasses on and off again, once more, as they obscure my screen view simultaneously needed for the intensity of the glowing orb's kiss. crusty, filthy, straw woven, wire shaped, once vomited in, cowboy hat, also on and off again, once more, but more from the tick induced paranoid itch and scalp crawl (one town north of Old Lyme, one town east of HadLyme).

I sit. on again off again and once more.

tick tock my making time syphoning away. mild anxiety. I relax trusting it'll (what ever it is) be there.

between the sittings lay short bursts to exhaustion or over rattled, jiggled and torqued my digits and wrists (the weak links) which come quickly to this female frame of fifty (yes I am currently hung up on my age!!!). I'd work longer, in more time consumptive stretches, however, I've learned there is a crazy and very direct link between female muscle fatigue, rattled and torqued digits and joints (don't smoke that) AND making unsafe decisions, exabberating (made up word) a technical, gravitational or visual problem, and escalating my Eeyore state. such an odd link between body and mind! yet I've adapted to listen to her -- honestly I don't have the heart or time for unsafe, exabberating, Eeyore conditions!

I stop. I recline. I sit. sunglasses on and off, again. hat on and off, again. tick scratch and check. I've conformed to the frame-mind needs, but rebel even still with MY BIG BUTs. but I am wasting time. but I am lazy. but I’ll look lazy, ungrateful. but I won't get it done. but it won't be enough. but I’ll get stuck in a hole. but I might not get up again. but. but. but. tick tock. tick check. but I am wasting a gift. but. but. but. OH MY BIG BUTs are problematic! and I precariously situate, balance, her on the edge of reason--I don't want to be squished, maimed or dead yet, I don't have luxurious time for a do-over based on stupid catastrophic gravity exabberated decisions, my female frame will frailly rebel!

so I attempt to graciously recline my bum and big BUTs in spite of the personal podcasts going off in my head.

even funnier and perhaps baring (wicked grin) perspective is as I sit pondering my big BUTs, the others meander by, or over a meal, go on about my work and production kick assedness. I disclaimer their barings with all my naked BUT-time. honestly, I think my stink and grim lead them to assume that my tic tocks are filled with constant making and my BUTs are not so big. oh if only I could make my frame comply to filling my non eating and prone moments with making!

2012 day 12 | BREAK. totally legit.

sky opened wide and spilled it's guts! just beautiful to watch, smell and hear!

2012 day 12 | awe. I waited. good thing

no way I was strong enough. definitely a two person job. only minor tweaking to the under tabletop joist system in order. thankful all system slides so just a littl sliding and wa-la. then to start on top ends. will put some lateral support at back base of each chair where it strikes ground so it won't tip over sideways will I work the under structure. no squishing kathy, kathy. so a little more in structural safety aspects!!!

2012 day 12 | stalling stalling wait for it wait

back up spotter for under table joist lifting. wait for it. wait. ok. ok. already. fidget. WAIT. really kathy, wait. yes. some mutter to themselves under their breath, I mutter with my thumbs on my blog! mutter.

2012 day 12 | time is seriously clicking by

check. four back of chair hinge/hook sliders operational.

_____. two ladders out.
_____. spare muscles for lifting.
_____. lifting in place.
_____. check stability so I don't get squished.
_____. add stabilizing system of needed.
_____. determine table width.
_____. tablify end corners of floating forest tabletop.
_____. design suspension MODULAR units from which to suspend tubes.
_____. have a jacob dinner + pass out!
OR
_____. lunch break and rest wrists (the current weak link).
_____. alt. based on body abuse. prep a bunch of wire units for tube sewing.
_____. alt. smell the flowers. read a book. rest wrists. got to work more thoughtfully to not abuse the skinny weak links.

2012 day 11 | oh how I lied!

lies
I am not reading
with my feet still kicked up
in my studio door.
I am sweating.
I am prototyping (working).
I've followed the rules
using only scrap to
fabricate extendable
chair hook hinge
for underjoist of
floating forest tabletop
(plus a store bought bolt-
hence morning hardware-bagel run). yay!

i am heroine-ing in my own art making.

and yes I've over dramatized the photo of the sky with a silly little filter app.



truths
the sky rumbles and rolls and leaks.
welder and grinder re-stored away (safety precaution as I don't weld or grind in an enclosed wooden barn with a cedar chip strewn floor).
so tomorrow final four sliders will be welded and slider slot in wood cut.
now I can get back to mindless reading. oh yes. oh yes.

no superhero tights required!

2012 day 11 | waaaawhooo!

so I kick back in my studio door, bowl of popcorn and book 3 of the hunger games in hand, as I watch the rains roll in! I am not totally lazy, but it is Sunday, so I'll use the sky rumble and drip as my excuse to lullify this day! heroine-ing will begin tomorrow!



ps. how about the view from my studio door. double waaaawhooo!

UPDATED with wildblue excedewildblue excede problem consumer complaint

july 1 

re-recontacted wildblue via online customer support chat. stephanie lets me know she sees no record of attempt at installation and no initiation or approval for refund. she notes in online chat, that i saved as i saved the one that documented i would be refunded, june 6, that there has been an error on their part. she suggests i call the customer service phone number to request refund (the one i called on may 31 with an hour and 14 minute hold time, in which i initiated and confirmed that i would be refunded my $369...!)

oh undisclosed curse words! in a moment of hopeful weakness, i've decided to call number one more time. was on hold a mere 1 minute. i spout dates/events with every effort at masking my pissed offness and suddenly the kind voiced woman says something to the effect, oh yes, i can see all these things in our records exactly as you state. "LET ME EXPEDITE YOUR REFUND."

so now i am on hold while she awaits CORPORATE approval. I can wait for that...let's see what happens. fingers crossed.

approved!

kindly voice says I should be refunded full amount within 5 to 7 days. i await with high expectations! oh snoopy bank balance foot dance on a red dog house.on monday i should retract my online charge challenge.

------
HISTORY

may 25, 2012

phone ordered service
fees, installation and equipment costs deducted from my credit card

may 28

tech informs me on site prior to installing disc that service would not be able to be provided in this habitat due to line of sight issues pertinent to satellite transmission. and that wildblue would call me on may 29, to issue full refund

no call

may 31

one hour and 14 minutes on hold; 3 minutes of conversation, to confirm and initiate full refund of 369 bucks.

no activity (refund) on credit card.

June 6

contact wildblue/excede customer care via their online chat support. Andrew h. assures me I will receive a full refund, but it takes awhile.

no activity (refund) on credit card.

June 29

I again contact wildblue via online customer care chat support. Connor l. pulls up account and locates tech notes on not installing or initiating service. Connor let's me know they are updating his system and he cannot access financial data. he let's me know I can call customer support. I let him know I won't based on previous excessive hold problem and that I would like to resolve this online. he apologizes profusely and ends the chat session.

crap. I will try chat session again in a few hours.

if wildblue does not rectify charges for unreceived services, I'll start the hoop jumping with my credit card company to contest! and I do contest to them keeping my money.

noted here as reference to others who use google.

2012 day 11 | breaking my rules again

we'll see how these porch posted soon to be distended from floating forest tabletop table legs plays out. would have loved to trash harvested some legs, but alas I'll just gave to age, crapify them myself. kind of like singing falsetto. sing. sing.

2012 day 11 | besides the superhero fashions for the feminine are byfar more aesthetically pleasing then men in tights!

being the heroine of my life set off so many personal podcasts (i'd say tapes but that would date me!) that on the last leg of my return from the hardware store, past the devil's hopyard, I thought I was going to toss my cookies from motion sickness all the while dodging bicyclists and countering mind musings. (gosh that's one long sentence paragraph!)

wham!

so I thumb out a text to myself. yes dad, I am not driving and texting (unlike texas, it is actually against the law in connecticut.)! when has the heroine ever been a self serving egotistical megalomaniac!?! yes, they almost all are seriously a bit idiosyncratic, imperfect, pushed to their edge, but never self centered. instead they tend to be the ones who good naturedly with the occasional undisclosed cursing, pushing past hardships, obstacles or wrongs, AND almost always bringing others along with them!

shazam!

now to finish fabricating the clasping system for my floating forest table top with my new cut off wheels and a little more metal hot glue (welding). naturally I've dilly dallied til the heat of the day :)

2012 day 11 | Above all, be the heroine of your life!

Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim. -- Nora Ephron (1941-2012), author of when Harry met Sally

My faith and friend background would unhealthily tell me this is wrong, selfish and deletes god from the equation. a weird part of my eeyore disposition whole heartily agrees. yet my innards know this statement to be ringing soundly with a multiplicity of important truths, my history causes me to qualify and preface each phrase with various forms of contractual disclaiming fine print. so engrained that even here I have to force myself not to thumb out the qualifiers. instead I am learning to snip, snip, these tethers that bind me in the mental musings of contractual obligation and bar me from being a candidate for the leading role of heroine of my own life. even as I type, more qualifiers emerge, "in a healthy way," "in a non self serving mode," and on and on (see I've thumbed some of my fine print!!! aaaagh) . I've spent my life so entrenched in these qualifiers that I haven't lived the truth of the call of this statement. so today I continue my quest to undig and untether myself from worm wretchedness theology and to become the heroine of my life.

I munch my bagel, toasted well, revisit my hardware list and prepare for a hot day of making! mmm. to be the heroine of my own life. yes, I like the ring, even with its responsibility, and the joy inherent in this adventure. now if I can just maintain that in my thoughts* long enough to live it.