have i already decided?it just scares the crap out of me?

my real dilemma is do i follow
God's lead in spite of my wrongness?
do i follow his lead or just defend?
do i follow where he leads in spite of the risk?
do i follow his lead or just defend?
do i follow his lead even when it looks and seems stupid?
do i follow his lead or just defend?
do i follow his lead or just the law practices of men?
do i follow his lead or just i defend?
do i follow his lead or just me?
do i follow his lead or just throw mud?
and there is mud.
do i follow his lead or just throw dirt?
and there is dirt.
do i follow his lead or just i defend?
do i follow his lead or just assume i must be crazy and go with the law practices of man?
do i follow his lead or just i defend?
how do i even know if it's his lead?
how do i know or do i just defend?
how do i know what to do?
do i error on the side of i must be nuts?
do i error on the side of God?
do i error on the ways of men?
which do i risk, which do i follow in spite of my sin?
crap!

and why is the mineral lead spelled lead and the present tense and future tense of led, lead? crap! i have to think about it every time i write the word because it is so illogical when lead is lead or lead is led.

he leads me beside still waters.

shadow and light cling to me

shadow and light
cling to me
o god
how can this be

how can i be
shadow and light
it frightens me

the light shines down
striking me penetrating me
i feel its heat seep
close my eyes to
see and seek

i follow the light
as it beckons me
i cannot shake
my shadow as
if I be free

i stand so still
in stark contrast
i have a shadow
which clings to me

shadow and light
shadow and light
they cling they cling to me
they reside deep witin me

i don't know how
to not have
shadow and light
shadow and light
i don't know how
it is to be

does my shadow
mean there is no light
does my shadow
mean i can do no right
does my shadow
mean i can only have plight

i have a shadow
that clings to me
does that countermand
all that is right
in me

does that make
light seeking
any less true

i have a shadow
that clings to me

(rhyming is stupid; it is not in me)

http://kathrynkelley.blogspot.com

if it is the physical structure of the type of house one lives in that makes one's life better or worse, then your life already sucks!

i heard the stupidest question come out of a real live lawyer's mouth this week (now she did ask me others that cut to the core because of their truth and others that were just ludicrous if she knew me but of course she doesn't know me and she really doesn't give a crap about me or her client; it's just a job about asset procurement and securement; it is not about protecting her clients heart or soul; it is about money or at least she made it so).

anyway, the stupidest one she asked me was if my life was "better" for having lived in the house i lived in for 17 years. better than what? it is just a stupid question. my life wouldn't be better or worse because of the house i live in; it would just be different (this assumes it actually provides shelter from environmental elements).

if it is the physical structure of the type of house one lives in that makes one's life better or worse, then your life already sucks!

even if i evaluate my home in terms of the love and stresses that resided within, was my life "better than" because of it? better than what? i know i was loved and that i loved, i know there was stress and hurts. so was my life better for being in that home? better than what? there was love. so if i lived in a different home, i would just say my life would be different, i would be different. wouldn't i take love where ever i go, even imperfect love. life would suck if i didn't have and give love.

so no, i don't think i should have to pay him for the 17 years i lived in our house because my life was "better then" for having lived there as his lawyer says i should.

There is no way to peace other than peacemaking itself.

A peacemaker is the one who reconciles quarrels and overcomes conflicts, first of all within himself or herself...

Jesus is saying there must be a clear consistency, a constant unity between our means and the ends we hope to achieve. There is no way to peace other than peacemaking itself. How you get there is always where you finally arrive.

Adapted from Jesus’ Plan for the New World, p.139

From www.cacradicalgrace.org

how is it that i am a fence climber

how is it that i follow God's lead here
but not there
obey this
but not that
trust one
but not the other
turn toward
while turning away
stand still
when i run
push
while i pull
lead
when i follow
step up
while i step down
be rational
when i am emotional
be emotional
when i am rational
remember
but forget
believe
when i doubt
am whole
as i am fragmented
say this
as i say that
move forward
but go back
listen
while i don't shut up
protect
while inflicting harm
know this
but not that
be good
while i am bad

how can i see
but not hear
and hear
but not see

never invite me
to a deposition
it will be a very very long day
hardly one thing is as simple as just
yes or no
this or that
his or hers
past or to come
up or down
black or white
whole or fragmented
better or worse
two or one

i don't need shoes from Nordstrom
but a comfy pair of steel tip boots i like

Remembering the Dead

When we lose a dear friend, someone we have loved deeply, we are left with a grief that can paralyse us emotionally for a long time. People we love become part of us. Our thinking, feeling and acting are codetermined by them: Our fathers, our mothers, our husbands, our wives, our lovers, our children, our friends ... they are all living in our hearts. When they die a part of us has to die too. That is what grief is about: It is that slow and painful departure of someone who has become an intimate part of us. When Christmas, the new year, a birthday or anniversary comes, we feel deeply the absence of our beloved companion. We sometimes have to live at least a whole year before our hearts have fully said good-bye and the pain of our grief recedes. But as we let go of them they become part of our "members" and as we "re-member" them, they become our guides on our spiritual journey.

These reflections are taken from Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey. http://www.henrinouwen.org/books/topten/?id=1101355855022122500

I will try to remeber this.

"The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text"

I recently posted this quote from an unknown source; and I got the following PSA link today and when I drove home from work, I put my phone away and forced myself to not use it. I catch myself in discomfort as look up a number while driving; knowing better; we've all swerved in our lanes a bit; or at least I have. No one thinks this will happen to us.

Don't watch this PSA on using your phone while driving if you are sensitive. I could only watch it once; it was enough; it rang horrifically true.

PSA Texting while Driving, U.K., August 2009, Peter Watkins-Hughes - Newport School of AMD, Wales

"I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

"For what it's worth: it's never too late .... You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Benjamin Button's letter to his daughter.

I hope I have the strength. I hope I am given the strength.

Three generations from 47 to 97+

my mom is so good natured. she makes the best of a sucky disease. she plays and teases and makes the workers enjoy their jobs which puts a smile on her face as well. she makes new friends. they call her by name. when i arrive even those who have never met me before, say you must be Mrs. Stirling's daughter. then they tell me something good about my mom. she is such a great mom.

Dad turns 78

Dad, mom, gram

when you're 97+ you can get away with a lot

my gram, almost 98 years old and bright and witty.

http://kathrynkelley.blogspot.com

http://kathrynkelley.blogspot.com

Happy bday dad pic

Dang What a mess

Do not try to eat spagetti in your truck and drive.

Inside the udder so far

silliness OMG that is so true

"While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road
and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart."

"Answering the same letter three times or more in a row
on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying."

"The only time I look forward to a red light is when
I’m trying to finish a text"

"How are you doing? How are you?"

"How are you doing? How are you?"

when i was recently asked this,
i was startled and guarded
shrugged my shoulders and mumbled something

uncomfortable with my own reaction

i found myself taken with surprise to be asked this
by the person who asked it of me

it occurred on a random chance encounter

i have known this person for a very long time. so i have to remind myself to look beyond this past year and into the context of the seventeen years i have known this person. surely the question comes out of a heart i believe to be genuine and an expression of actual concern because that is the kind of person i believe this person to be.

but then i get conflicted

and i second guess my understanding of who i think this person is in spite of such a long context of experiencing this person as genuine and caring

and i hear my heart question if this was not just some rote social memorized question, a question that just popped out of the persons mouth in the moment of awkwardness of an unexpected social encounter

and then i again remind myself i have known this person a very long time; and i tell myself it was in fact spoken to me as an expression of authentic love

but then i get all conflicted
again

and i recall the past year
the words and actions spoken and taken
by myself and by my friends

and i know i am conflicted
and i know my perceptions
are distorted by hurt
as are theirs

then i try to let go of my need to please these people
then i try to let go of the names they called me
that circle round in my head
then i try to let go of the things they said about
how i would be destroyed and punished
then i try to let go of my need to be shown love
by these people i loved
then i try to let go of their significance in my life
in spite of their significance
then i try to let go of the fact that i experience
their behavior as shunning and exiling
then i try to let go of the fact that they were
the bulk of my world for so long
then i try to simply let them go from my mind
because they are already gone from my life

and i work hard not to judge them
as i judge them
and i work hard to feel mercy for them
as i feel merciless towards them
and i work hard to gift them with forgiveness
as i retract the gift in unforgiveness
and i work hard to remember that these people are kind
as i forget their kindness
and i work hard to unravel my own wrong doings
as it ravels
and i work hard not to expect anything from them
as i expect for things from them
and i work hard to understand them
as i don't understand them
and i work hard not to make assumptions
about their hearts or intentions
as i make assumptions about
their hearts and intentions
and i work hard to see the fruit of their faith
as i experience it's bareness
and i work hard not to blame them
as i blame them
and i work hard not to think about them
as i think about them
and i work hard not to miss them
as i miss them
and i work hard to not let their actions and
words destroy me as i feel destroyed by them
and i work hard to stop weeping
as i weep over them

then God mercifully interrupts me as i read blogs like Peter's The Warp and the Wefts and Jerry's Only a Sojourner and i am reminded of how to laugh (thanks Peter), and of who i am, what i am called to and by whom and it helps me survive this time...ok. well i do all this, also, with the help of faithful friends and family who aren't afraid or to angry to love me when i have made a horrendous mess or done something so difficult to understand.

a post of a post

Monday, August 17, 2009
Overheard . . . from Rilke

The transformed speaks only to relinquishers.
All holders-on are stranglers.

--Rainer Maria Rilke, trans. by Edward Snow
Posted by Jerry Webb at 4:53 PM
Labels: poetry, Rilke, spirituality

1 comments:

kathy kelley said...

"All holders-on are stranglers."

i can see this play out in my own actions.

yet it is very difficult for me to let go or even to begin to understand what it is i am to let go of. so i am trying to let go and hold on to the tangled weaving of what appears to be my life that slips through my fingers. i try to separate the strands so as i can see which i am to let go of so as not to strangle or be a strangler and which to hold on to in order to stay connected to the life i have been given. but then i give a tug to the string i think i should release and suddenly things i don't expect unravel and i reach to grab the string back. i don't know how to let go all the way. i am afraid.

but i do understand i must let go, i do know if i be a "holders-on" i will be a "strangler."

i don't want to be a strangler.

i do want to be transformed.

i do want to be a relinquisher.

i cannot mend or heal others

i will take care of myself
i will do what it takes to secure
my own mental and spiritual health

i cannot mend or heal others
i cannot please others at this point
i have not been able to express
the actions i know i am accountable for
or make amends or offers of reconciliation
in ways that bring a healing balm
to anyone else's wounds

i will communicate directly, timely and
as responsibly as i am able
i will attempt to honor others and their wishes
but at the same time my main task right now is
to preserve my own mental and spiritual health

there is nothing graceful about defense
there is nothing beautiful about defense
there is nothing honoring about defense
i find defense horrendous and that i am
in a position that i must do just that
harms me however i will stand up
i will defend myself if need be
i will do it as gently as i know how

and God will preserve me through this
and God will preserve others through this

dis-associate

i do not have the gift and curse of dissociative thinking or behavior.

if i did, today it would be a gift.

Udder side

Eclipsed by adjacented piece

Udder side of the crumb smell dispenser

Udder side of the crumb smell dispenser

Even a hint of the smell of

In process

There is no way to peace other than peacemaking itself. How you get there is always where you finally arrive.

Blessed are the peacemakers: they shall be recognized as children of God.
~ Matthew 5:9

A peacemaker is the one who reconciles quarrels and overcomes conflicts, first of all within himself or herself...

It is almost impossible to believe how most of Christian history was unable to hear Jesus’ rather explicit teaching on non-violence. It seems that we started, encouraged, idealized, and fought in most wars that were ever available to us..,

Jesus is saying there must be a clear consistency, a constant unity between our means and the ends we hope to achieve. There is no way to peace other than peacemaking itself. How you get there is always where you finally arrive.

Adapted from Jesus’ Plan for the New World, p.139

From www.cacradicalgrace.org

http://kathrynkelley.blogspot.com

Where do I find/give mercy in my life?

Blessed are the merciful: they shall have mercy shown them
~ Matthew 5:7

"The Fifth Beatitude presents “the principle of likeness,” which is a rather constant theme in Jesus: The coherence between what you have consciously received and what you can pass on. We are divine conduits that must be open at both ends. Mercy is another form of forgiveness. Both mercy and forgiveness are unearned, undeserved, not owed or merited in any way. If it isn’t all of those somehow, it won’t be experienced as grace, nor will it fundamentally transform us or the other party. Truly experienced mercy radically transforms us into the same. We become what we have fully received, and even how we have received it.

Mercy and forgiveness are the whole gospel in succinct form. I am told that two thirds of Jesus’ teaching is directly or indirectly about one or the other. If you don’t get mercy, you are not inside of the Mystery of God."

Adapted from Jesus’ Plan for the New World, p.136

Produced by Center for action and contemplation

Hey who has been sneaking into my studio

Or in terms of sesame street, which ones don't go with the other ones
(in the recycle bin of a diet coke addict). No worries, I just found it very obvious and funny

Hmmm

Deposed process

deposition
-noun
Main Entry: deposition
Definition: dethroning, ousting
Synonyms: degradation, discharge, dismissal, displacement, ejection, impeachment, overthrow, removal, unfrocking

From thesurus.com

Deposed riddled ribbed

Call my own foul

Calling one's own foul is a core principle/value by which I have always lived, even at risk to my own well being, even if I have temporarily wavered in calling my own foul, I have in fact called my fouls.

And I believe life is better, relationships have the potential to be more alive and deeper when i acknowledge my fouls to the ones i have fouled. I have done so.

If you know me, you know this is true about me and my life.

Others actions and responses are not mine. They are not mine to manage, control or dictate. They solely belong to the other.

With the exception of agents hired, like lawyers, who take actions in my name and under my authority. I am accountable for these actions taken in my name (as you are responsible for agents who act in your name).

Riddled ribbed history deposed as I try to

Get my footing and breathe

I catch my breath

Lost in the recesses of the deposed riddled ribbed history..

Depose

-verb
Main Entry: depose
Definition: oust from...
Synonyms: boot out, bounce, break, can, cashier, chuck, degrade, demote, dethrone, discrown, dismiss, displace, downgrade, drum out, eject, freeze out, give heave-ho, impeach, kick out, overthrow, remove from office, ride out on rail, run out of town, send packing, subvert, throw out, throw out on ear, uncrown, unfrock, unmake, unseat, upset

Origin: 1350–1400; ME (< AF) < LL dēpositiōn- (s. of dēpositiō) a putting aside..., burial, equiv. to L dēposit(us) laid down (see deposit ) + -iōn- -ion

Taken from www.thesaurus.com

it covers me in ruins

i must defend myself as i never did before

i would have preferred
to leave it buried deep

knowing when i fling the mud
decades thick
deserved or undeserved
no longer matters

because i am self aware
(to a degree feasibly so)
i know when the mud strikes
it will splash back and cover me
in its ruins

why must i defend myself from you
is this a secret you keep even from yourself

stolen blog to blog

Men and women who are truly filled with light are those who have gazed deeply into the darkness of their imperfect existence.

–Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

fear distorts perception
–

Three

Two

Installing woody's piece step one

Suspending and Sewing

>

Ribbed pathways of memories lost

The wake of memory

The wake of memory
Laps to a close behind me
Your image and any comfort there
Dissipates like the ungraspable foamy froth
Of nothingness in this absence

My mind has always worked that way
So with your six month (now one year plus four) mandatory no talk no see
(not by my choice)
The reality of you muddies as it drains from
The steel sieve of my recall
And drip drips away
Sadly sliding down the drain of all soon to be forgotten
As my memories close behind me with it's losses of friends and family.

Sun setting

Slow, heavy but progressing

how is it possible for one to leak so much

i leak
a small salty gush
that convulses out of me

a small gush
as my gushing goes

it is enough
for today

i hope
i am done
leaking
for today

i am sure
i will leak
again
tomorrow

and then
again

ingrained before she entered in

nothing she does
mends that which ravels
each string she has tugged
only rends further
what she would have set right

everything was far more fragile
than any of them could have imagined

Harvested

1 Corinthians 6:1-7

does it make me a hypocrite to refer to a scripture at all? probably.

hypocrisy is not a new thing for me
is it new to you

Hmmm finished previous post then this shows up in my inbox a few hours later

I used to say, that if I ever wrote a book, its title would be Nothing Truly Radical Happens After Age Six, Except Grace (Now many books later, at least two of them now have the word grace in the title.) Grace, that experience of unconditional acceptance and unearned love, breaks through our entire system of defenses and denials and can change anything at any age. Really!

All of Christian life could be described as an ever-deeper encounter between our wounded inner child (which we all have to some degree) and the wondrous world of gratuity and grace. Grace can bring us back to the radix, our roots, and reset the foundation, where sometimes even the worst thing becomes the best thing! That’s why we say grace is radical. “Radical Grace” empowers us to shuck off the fatalistic system and become free and fresh beginners again, with a new foundation built on mercy instead of any kind of merit.

Adapted from Radical Grace: Daily Meditations, p. 388, day 403 (Source: The Spiritual Family and the Natural Family)

Forgiveness is a gift

Forgiveness is a gift
it is not earned
A pardon may be earned
unlike the gift of forgiveness

Forgiveness is not pretending
that a wrong hurtful act(s)
did not occur

It is grounded in reality

Forgiveness does not erase consequences
though it may alter the course of consequences
both for the forgiven and forgiver

It makes room for a new direction

The God who forgives
does so not academically
from a distance
He enters in
with the undeserving
and calls them,
calls me by name
calls you by name

Forgiveness is an intimate offering

Forgiveness is not about
the enforcement of the law
or about the dictation of
what the consequences
"should" be

It is unjust

Forgiveness is mercy and grace
to the undeserving

Forgiveness brings healing

Forgiveness requires courage
of the giver in gifting
mercy and grace
to the undeserving

Forgiveness requires courage
of the undeserving
to accept unmerited
mercy and grace

I need to continue
learning
practicing
expanding
offering
experiencing forgiveness
in both the
giving and receiving