"How are you doing? How are you?"

"How are you doing? How are you?"

when i was recently asked this,
i was startled and guarded
shrugged my shoulders and mumbled something

uncomfortable with my own reaction

i found myself taken with surprise to be asked this
by the person who asked it of me

it occurred on a random chance encounter

i have known this person for a very long time. so i have to remind myself to look beyond this past year and into the context of the seventeen years i have known this person. surely the question comes out of a heart i believe to be genuine and an expression of actual concern because that is the kind of person i believe this person to be.

but then i get conflicted

and i second guess my understanding of who i think this person is in spite of such a long context of experiencing this person as genuine and caring

and i hear my heart question if this was not just some rote social memorized question, a question that just popped out of the persons mouth in the moment of awkwardness of an unexpected social encounter

and then i again remind myself i have known this person a very long time; and i tell myself it was in fact spoken to me as an expression of authentic love

but then i get all conflicted
again

and i recall the past year
the words and actions spoken and taken
by myself and by my friends

and i know i am conflicted
and i know my perceptions
are distorted by hurt
as are theirs

then i try to let go of my need to please these people
then i try to let go of the names they called me
that circle round in my head
then i try to let go of the things they said about
how i would be destroyed and punished
then i try to let go of my need to be shown love
by these people i loved
then i try to let go of their significance in my life
in spite of their significance
then i try to let go of the fact that i experience
their behavior as shunning and exiling
then i try to let go of the fact that they were
the bulk of my world for so long
then i try to simply let them go from my mind
because they are already gone from my life

and i work hard not to judge them
as i judge them
and i work hard to feel mercy for them
as i feel merciless towards them
and i work hard to gift them with forgiveness
as i retract the gift in unforgiveness
and i work hard to remember that these people are kind
as i forget their kindness
and i work hard to unravel my own wrong doings
as it ravels
and i work hard not to expect anything from them
as i expect for things from them
and i work hard to understand them
as i don't understand them
and i work hard not to make assumptions
about their hearts or intentions
as i make assumptions about
their hearts and intentions
and i work hard to see the fruit of their faith
as i experience it's bareness
and i work hard not to blame them
as i blame them
and i work hard not to think about them
as i think about them
and i work hard not to miss them
as i miss them
and i work hard to not let their actions and
words destroy me as i feel destroyed by them
and i work hard to stop weeping
as i weep over them

then God mercifully interrupts me as i read blogs like Peter's The Warp and the Wefts and Jerry's Only a Sojourner and i am reminded of how to laugh (thanks Peter), and of who i am, what i am called to and by whom and it helps me survive this time...ok. well i do all this, also, with the help of faithful friends and family who aren't afraid or to angry to love me when i have made a horrendous mess or done something so difficult to understand.