"How are you doing? How are you?"

"How are you doing? How are you?"

when i was recently asked this,
i was startled and guarded
shrugged my shoulders and mumbled something

uncomfortable with my own reaction

i found myself taken with surprise to be asked this
by the person who asked it of me

it occurred on a random chance encounter

i have known this person for a very long time. so i have to remind myself to look beyond this past year and into the context of the seventeen years i have known this person. surely the question comes out of a heart i believe to be genuine and an expression of actual concern because that is the kind of person i believe this person to be.

but then i get conflicted

and i second guess my understanding of who i think this person is in spite of such a long context of experiencing this person as genuine and caring

and i hear my heart question if this was not just some rote social memorized question, a question that just popped out of the persons mouth in the moment of awkwardness of an unexpected social encounter

and then i again remind myself i have known this person a very long time; and i tell myself it was in fact spoken to me as an expression of authentic love

but then i get all conflicted
again

and i recall the past year
the words and actions spoken and taken
by myself and by my friends

and i know i am conflicted
and i know my perceptions
are distorted by hurt
as are theirs

then i try to let go of my need to please these people
then i try to let go of the names they called me
that circle round in my head
then i try to let go of the things they said about
how i would be destroyed and punished
then i try to let go of my need to be shown love
by these people i loved
then i try to let go of their significance in my life
in spite of their significance
then i try to let go of the fact that i experience
their behavior as shunning and exiling
then i try to let go of the fact that they were
the bulk of my world for so long
then i try to simply let them go from my mind
because they are already gone from my life

and i work hard not to judge them
as i judge them
and i work hard to feel mercy for them
as i feel merciless towards them
and i work hard to gift them with forgiveness
as i retract the gift in unforgiveness
and i work hard to remember that these people are kind
as i forget their kindness
and i work hard to unravel my own wrong doings
as it ravels
and i work hard not to expect anything from them
as i expect for things from them
and i work hard to understand them
as i don't understand them
and i work hard not to make assumptions
about their hearts or intentions
as i make assumptions about
their hearts and intentions
and i work hard to see the fruit of their faith
as i experience it's bareness
and i work hard not to blame them
as i blame them
and i work hard not to think about them
as i think about them
and i work hard not to miss them
as i miss them
and i work hard to not let their actions and
words destroy me as i feel destroyed by them
and i work hard to stop weeping
as i weep over them

then God mercifully interrupts me as i read blogs like Peter's The Warp and the Wefts and Jerry's Only a Sojourner and i am reminded of how to laugh (thanks Peter), and of who i am, what i am called to and by whom and it helps me survive this time...ok. well i do all this, also, with the help of faithful friends and family who aren't afraid or to angry to love me when i have made a horrendous mess or done something so difficult to understand.

a post of a post

Monday, August 17, 2009
Overheard . . . from Rilke

The transformed speaks only to relinquishers.
All holders-on are stranglers.

--Rainer Maria Rilke, trans. by Edward Snow
Posted by Jerry Webb at 4:53 PM
Labels: poetry, Rilke, spirituality

1 comments:

kathy kelley said...

"All holders-on are stranglers."

i can see this play out in my own actions.

yet it is very difficult for me to let go or even to begin to understand what it is i am to let go of. so i am trying to let go and hold on to the tangled weaving of what appears to be my life that slips through my fingers. i try to separate the strands so as i can see which i am to let go of so as not to strangle or be a strangler and which to hold on to in order to stay connected to the life i have been given. but then i give a tug to the string i think i should release and suddenly things i don't expect unravel and i reach to grab the string back. i don't know how to let go all the way. i am afraid.

but i do understand i must let go, i do know if i be a "holders-on" i will be a "strangler."

i don't want to be a strangler.

i do want to be transformed.

i do want to be a relinquisher.

i cannot mend or heal others

i will take care of myself
i will do what it takes to secure
my own mental and spiritual health

i cannot mend or heal others
i cannot please others at this point
i have not been able to express
the actions i know i am accountable for
or make amends or offers of reconciliation
in ways that bring a healing balm
to anyone else's wounds

i will communicate directly, timely and
as responsibly as i am able
i will attempt to honor others and their wishes
but at the same time my main task right now is
to preserve my own mental and spiritual health

there is nothing graceful about defense
there is nothing beautiful about defense
there is nothing honoring about defense
i find defense horrendous and that i am
in a position that i must do just that
harms me however i will stand up
i will defend myself if need be
i will do it as gently as i know how

and God will preserve me through this
and God will preserve others through this

dis-associate

i do not have the gift and curse of dissociative thinking or behavior.

if i did, today it would be a gift.

Udder side

Eclipsed by adjacented piece

Udder side of the crumb smell dispenser

Udder side of the crumb smell dispenser

Even a hint of the smell of

In process

There is no way to peace other than peacemaking itself. How you get there is always where you finally arrive.

Blessed are the peacemakers: they shall be recognized as children of God.
~ Matthew 5:9

A peacemaker is the one who reconciles quarrels and overcomes conflicts, first of all within himself or herself...

It is almost impossible to believe how most of Christian history was unable to hear Jesus’ rather explicit teaching on non-violence. It seems that we started, encouraged, idealized, and fought in most wars that were ever available to us..,

Jesus is saying there must be a clear consistency, a constant unity between our means and the ends we hope to achieve. There is no way to peace other than peacemaking itself. How you get there is always where you finally arrive.

Adapted from Jesus’ Plan for the New World, p.139

From www.cacradicalgrace.org

http://kathrynkelley.blogspot.com

Where do I find/give mercy in my life?

Blessed are the merciful: they shall have mercy shown them
~ Matthew 5:7

"The Fifth Beatitude presents “the principle of likeness,” which is a rather constant theme in Jesus: The coherence between what you have consciously received and what you can pass on. We are divine conduits that must be open at both ends. Mercy is another form of forgiveness. Both mercy and forgiveness are unearned, undeserved, not owed or merited in any way. If it isn’t all of those somehow, it won’t be experienced as grace, nor will it fundamentally transform us or the other party. Truly experienced mercy radically transforms us into the same. We become what we have fully received, and even how we have received it.

Mercy and forgiveness are the whole gospel in succinct form. I am told that two thirds of Jesus’ teaching is directly or indirectly about one or the other. If you don’t get mercy, you are not inside of the Mystery of God."

Adapted from Jesus’ Plan for the New World, p.136

Produced by Center for action and contemplation

Hey who has been sneaking into my studio

Or in terms of sesame street, which ones don't go with the other ones
(in the recycle bin of a diet coke addict). No worries, I just found it very obvious and funny

Hmmm

Deposed process

deposition
-noun
Main Entry: deposition
Definition: dethroning, ousting
Synonyms: degradation, discharge, dismissal, displacement, ejection, impeachment, overthrow, removal, unfrocking

From thesurus.com

Deposed riddled ribbed

Call my own foul

Calling one's own foul is a core principle/value by which I have always lived, even at risk to my own well being, even if I have temporarily wavered in calling my own foul, I have in fact called my fouls.

And I believe life is better, relationships have the potential to be more alive and deeper when i acknowledge my fouls to the ones i have fouled. I have done so.

If you know me, you know this is true about me and my life.

Others actions and responses are not mine. They are not mine to manage, control or dictate. They solely belong to the other.

With the exception of agents hired, like lawyers, who take actions in my name and under my authority. I am accountable for these actions taken in my name (as you are responsible for agents who act in your name).

Riddled ribbed history deposed as I try to

Get my footing and breathe

I catch my breath

Lost in the recesses of the deposed riddled ribbed history..

Depose

-verb
Main Entry: depose
Definition: oust from...
Synonyms: boot out, bounce, break, can, cashier, chuck, degrade, demote, dethrone, discrown, dismiss, displace, downgrade, drum out, eject, freeze out, give heave-ho, impeach, kick out, overthrow, remove from office, ride out on rail, run out of town, send packing, subvert, throw out, throw out on ear, uncrown, unfrock, unmake, unseat, upset

Origin: 1350–1400; ME (< AF) < LL dēpositiōn- (s. of dēpositiō) a putting aside..., burial, equiv. to L dēposit(us) laid down (see deposit ) + -iōn- -ion

Taken from www.thesaurus.com

it covers me in ruins

i must defend myself as i never did before

i would have preferred
to leave it buried deep

knowing when i fling the mud
decades thick
deserved or undeserved
no longer matters

because i am self aware
(to a degree feasibly so)
i know when the mud strikes
it will splash back and cover me
in its ruins

why must i defend myself from you
is this a secret you keep even from yourself

stolen blog to blog

Men and women who are truly filled with light are those who have gazed deeply into the darkness of their imperfect existence.

–Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

fear distorts perception
–

Three

Two

Installing woody's piece step one

Suspending and Sewing

>

Ribbed pathways of memories lost

The wake of memory

The wake of memory
Laps to a close behind me
Your image and any comfort there
Dissipates like the ungraspable foamy froth
Of nothingness in this absence

My mind has always worked that way
So with your six month (now one year plus four) mandatory no talk no see
(not by my choice)
The reality of you muddies as it drains from
The steel sieve of my recall
And drip drips away
Sadly sliding down the drain of all soon to be forgotten
As my memories close behind me with it's losses of friends and family.

Sun setting

Slow, heavy but progressing

how is it possible for one to leak so much

i leak
a small salty gush
that convulses out of me

a small gush
as my gushing goes

it is enough
for today

i hope
i am done
leaking
for today

i am sure
i will leak
again
tomorrow

and then
again