2012 day 3 of settling | listening to the tree tops whisper their hot breath

I sit slightly curled up and just listen to the many life giving sounds that ripple in spite of the heat. I contemplate leaning back and closing my eyes a bit but am unusually aware that's dirt down there. from my dirty already grunge streaked self, the hesitation seems...odd. chair one, up. chair two, reassemble and dragged out into the penetrating direct sun's lare but still flat on its back. I hover partly paralyzed here in this heat trying to work my way through my todos. I am not a checker, but today, I need a list to be sure I am operational, a wee bit functional. i can't get to tomorrow without navigating this today and each of the days after.

I think about having titled this day as a SETTLING. i ponder the unintended sideways implications. have somehow latched onto the settling associated with a less than instead of the intent of a reacquainting or reestablishing. my habit of settling makes me nervous when I feel the tug of dream casting.

I don't cry so oft anymore but they do still swell from time to time, even still. I think I will just lay back in the dirt. it is my dirt (and whomever Fannie Mae sold it off to), my bugs, my shade. of course, I didn't make or earn any of it. it just is. i am grateful for this dirt, this green, this microcosm with its living hum. so I lay still, listening, flat on my back, thumbing my phone held overhead, salt stained, again. withdrawals I suppose.

perhaps the rivulets doing in the attempt at reengaging the one handed juggling of my multiple hatted living as looking ahead to the coming fall that knocks me flat and all dribbly. oh rivers of salt do go away. withdrawals or avoidance? lay flat just a little longer. it will be ok. won't it? trickles of sweat even here in the shade.

I need to make some more checks on my list. function. today's todos have play on what will come tomorrow. move from strength. run towards not away. run. but first get up kathy.


moving. pushing. sweating. but moving.

and sometimes throwing on the right frock with my well worn steel tips, comforts. so I do. I move. errands. driving. I move.